


I Tell You I'm Lost Here (Awaiting Reply)

by jaded_jane



Category: Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Communication Failure, Dirty Talk, Drama, Friends using each other, Hand Jobs, M/M, Masturbation, Voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-06
Updated: 2013-11-06
Packaged: 2017-12-31 13:26:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 30,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1032203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaded_jane/pseuds/jaded_jane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>Sometimes, after a particularly stressful day, Kendall dreams about the day he inadvertently changed his own life. When Kendall wakes, a question echoes in his head. Is James okay? A slightly more alert Kendall then counters the unconscious thought with a conscious one: James who?</em>
</p><p>Gustavo allows James a second attempt at an audition and offers to make him a star when he likes what he hears. James jumps at the chance, and once he's gone to L.A., Kendall's left to hold everything and everyone together. As days go by, Kendall forces James a little further back in his mind, especially as contact goes from limited to non-existent and promises aren't kept. It's only then that Kendall realizes that the people he loves, leave him and never look back.</p><p>So what's he to do when James arrives back in Minnesota saying his chance is gone?</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Tell You I'm Lost Here (Awaiting Reply)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skyline](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyline/gifts).



> Written for [BigTimeBang@livejournal.com](http://bigtimebang.livejournal.com/).  
> This is only my second Kames fic, and the first to be of this length and contain sexual situations; please go easy on me.  
> Beta'd by the awesome [Breila_rose](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Breila_rose/pseuds/Breila_rose) and the wonderful suspensionofdisbelief. Both of whom put up with more than they should in terms of my whining over this beast. Thank you, ladies! Any remaining mistakes found are my own. Art created by the talented nolookinbackx.  
> Finally, title comes from the Angels and Airwaves song, ["Letters to God, Pt II"](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5qoCle_5y8). It's kind of the fic's theme.

Sometimes, after a particularly stressful day, Kendall dreams about the day he inadvertently changed his own life. 

_He sees himself stuck in Mrs. Phelan’s last period algebra class, Carlos sitting at the head of his row. Sees Logan studiously taking notes from the front of the other side of the room and knows the last of the hockey head quartet is in the back of the room in the corner desk, zoning out and doodling on his math book cover, but Kendall refuses to look at him._

_After the first day of their sophomore year ended with Mrs. Phelan being covered in chalk, she decreed that they were not to sit close enough to speak or touch each other for the rest of the semester and banished each boy to a specified corner._

_He bends down to get his notebook from his bag at his side as Mrs. Phelan drones on about the FOIL method and Kendall briefly wonders how math class turned into home ec. His hand is curling around the notebook’s spine, even as his brain is telling him that Logan’s notes will make more sense in the long run, when he tilts his head and a piercing glare goes straight through his eyeball._

_Kendall drops the notebook in favor of bringing up that hand to shield his eyes from the obnoxious beam. He squints out the window after he regains his full vision, trying to locate the source of his irritation._

_A quick scan of the field below does not result in much. There are still small piles of snow from the snowfall three days prior, but they don’t seem to be a problem for the P.E. class, largely made up of the girl’s field hockey team, currently running laps. Nothing else grabs Kendall’s notice so he figures that a passing car in the nearby street must have been unrealistically shiny for the weather and that’s what caused Kendall’s budding headache._

_Kendall’s about to return to pretending that he’s paying attention to the teacher, and another beam hits his face. His eyes narrow at the lone figure close to the street and the metal pole in his hand. He watches the man’s actions, a plan forming all the while._

_“Mr. Knight, what has you smiling so widely?”_

_Kendall turns back to Mrs. Phelan. “Just thinking about how the bell is about to ring,” he replies._

_She opens her mouth, probably to refute Kendall’s claim, when the bell rings, signaling the end of the day._

_Kendall grabs his bag and bolts passed her. He can hear her shouting the homework assignment at him and the other fleeing students, but much like the notes, Kendall will count on Logan for this information too._

_Kendall slows down at the school’s entrance, eyes locked on his prize, ensuring it remains where he last saw it. Logan and Carlos are behind him as he steps outside, James trailing them._

_Kendall walks to where he last saw the man, his friends lining up beside him. Only two of the three are focused on what has Kendall’s interest, because even after his spiel, which has Carlos racing toward the goal with reckless abandon and Logan spouting off ways this venture will end in doom, James has been at the other end of the line singing some song about tears in between the bouts of grooming with his comb._

_Kendall shoots him a glare._

_James pauses in his singing, asking, “What are we doing?”_

_Kendall smirks and points to the metal rod stuck in the fixture before them. “A janitor left the t-bar in the sprinkler valve. And do you wanna help us soak the girl’s field hockey team?”_

_Kendall knows the answer to this. James has been wanting revenge on them since they claimed that field hockey required more skill than looking pretty while gliding by on the ice, tapping at a puck._

_“Yeah,” James replies, smiling as he rushes to join Carlos at the stuck t-bar._

_Kendall saunters over as well, and the three look back at the lone holdout._

_Logan appears to crack under peer pressure, voicing his disapproval as he drops his hockey bag with the others’. “I gotta get new friends.”_

_The satisfaction Kendall feels when the bar gives way under the weight of them and the sprinklers turn on full blast, is short-lived._

_Kendall always forgets that field hockey girls are tougher than they appear._

_Instead of freaking out and running into the school for dry clothes, the team hoists their sticks in the air and run towards the cause of their problem, shrieking as they come._

_Kendall pivots and finds his friends have already started running for their lives. They run along the school’s property, jumping into a dumpster after they manage to put some distance and a corner between themselves and their would-be-killers, closing the lid._

_Kendall waits until he hears the team pass by and then counts to five. When no more sounds come from outside the dumpster, Kendall confidently flings back its lid._

_As they peer around looking for any sign of a surprise attack, Kendall finds Carlos munching on something that looks like a sandwich from yesterday’s lunch._

_Carlos shrugs at him, unable to say anything around the mouth full of dumpster food he still has._

_Kendall can hear Logan’s lips part, but before the brains of the group can explain to Carlos why eating food from dumpsters is bad, and_ gross _, the shrieks return._

_The boys jump out and run back in the direction they came. Kendall ends up with Carlos in the back of their quartet._

_Without him leading the way, they end up in a dead-ended alley._

_All four rapidly look for a way out, but the girls find them. They spin to face the murderous mob, crouching as the girls advance._

_“Time out!” Kendall yells, making the “t” sign with his hands._

_Miraculously, the stick-wielding band of girls obeys._

_Kendall tells Carlos to give James the helmet Carlos is inexplicably wearing. “Gotta protect the face.”_

_Kendall sees Logan hiding between Carlos and himself, nodding. Kendall guesses that Logan thinks Kendall said that to prevent having to listen to James bitch about how the girls damaged his looks._

If that were more than half true.

 _James gratefully situates the helmet on his head, closes the face guard and announces that he loves his friends, as if the girls would actually kill_ him _._

_Who would they fawn over if they did?_

_Kendall meets the expectant gazes of the field hockey team once more, shrugs, and says questioningly, “Time in?”_

_The girls are on top of them before Kendall has a chance to blink. They’re all swinging fists and sticks, not concerned as to who hits who where._

_The boys don’t stand a chance, and by the time the girls are pleased with their handiwork, the boys aren’t standing at all._

_As they stroll off to get back to their practice, Kendall makes a mental note not to piss them off again. He swears he has bruises in places he hasn’t felt since he was four and his dad was teaching him how to ice skate._

_Gravity was not kind to Kendall back then._

_The groaning beside him brings Kendall to the present. He struggles to his feet. “Come on, guys. We gotta get to_ our _practice.”_

_Kendall tries not to notice how he hears James’ moan over Logan and Carlos. He takes comfort knowing that he’ll soon be on the ice, playing a game where slamming someone into walls is encouraged._

_He may have some frustration to work off._

_Except, as usual, there’s a small hitch in Kendall’s plan._

_That hitch comes in the form of Coach Tomkill, who’s standing at the school’s entrance waiting for them to retrieve their gear. “Go home, guys. The girls told me what you did. And what they did. I spoke with Coach DeFlippi and he agrees that you won’t be taking part in today’s ice hockey scrimmage.”_

_This statement pulls a groan from Kendall._

_“Don’t groan at me, Knight. You know your actions have consequences.” Coach Tomkill leans back into the school, calling out, “Girls?”_

_Logan whimpers next to him. “She won’t let them beat us again, right?” he asks._

_The field hockey team members surround their coach. “We’re sorry,” they intone. A voice from the back asks, “Is James okay?”_

_Kendall rolls his eyes, shifts the hockey bag to a less painful position on his shoulder and begins the walk home, leaving the others to follow._

_And just like the loyal subjects they are, they do._

Kendall wakes with the last question still echoing in his head. 

_Is James okay?_

He counters the unconscious thought with a conscious one. _James who?_

* * *

It’s been forty-two days since James left for Los Angeles.

It’s not like Kendall’s been counting, not really. 

Every time he goes into the kitchen, he gets smacked in the face with the Christmas countdown written on his mom’s two-month dry erase calendar. She likes to claim that the countdown, which starts November first, is to remind her darling children just how long they have to find her a gift.

The number ten stares Kendall down as he makes his way to the refrigerator, the place where the calendar’s affixed, in search of some orange juice. Today’s December fifteenth, his brain unhelpfully supplies, because, duh, the block with the number ten, also has that day’s date.

Kendall carefully ignores the left side of the calendar, where he knows James had excitedly written ‘James leaves for L.A.!’ on November fourth. He wishes time would move faster, if only so he has a valid excuse for erasing and removing the offending item from its current location.

When perusal of the refrigerator’s interior doesn’t yield the desired item, Kendall slams the door and flees the kitchen before James’ note can continue to mock him.

As Kendall steps into the living room, he sees his younger sister, Katie, lounging on the couch, watching the Fox network. “I thought Mom banned you from watching this channel?”

Katie barely spares Kendall a glance. “She did. But since she’s not here, I figured I’d get a little quality time in.” 

Kendall walks over to the window and peers out at the driveway. Sure enough, the family vehicle is absent. “Where’d she go?” As far as Kendall can remember, his mom was planning on baking all weekend long to make sure she’d have something to bring to the numerous holiday parties they’ve been invited to. 

Granted he hadn’t been focused on much when he was in the kitchen, but there was no way he would have missed a counter full of goodies. Right?

“She went through the pantry and decided a market run was in order, especially since I drank the last of the juice.” Kendall turns back and watches her eyes flick to the coffee table where his phone is laying. The display screen is lit up and she sighs. “Carlos is having a coronary over something. He’s texted and called you about three dozen times. I’m surprised he hasn’t-”

Katie’s words are interrupted by the sound of the doorbell being rung, quickly followed by rapid-fire knocking. And if that wasn’t enough, soon an excited shout of “Kendall! Kendall, wake up! Kendall!” can be heard.

Kendall hasn’t heard Carlos be this exuberant in…well, forty-two days. 

He hasn’t moved away from the window, partially wondering why he didn’t see Carlos when he gazed out the window only moments before, when his brain catches up and Kendall freezes. Just one thing would cause Carlos to act the way he is. 

Carlos apparently got tired of waiting to be invited and let himself in, if the increased volume of his screaming and the slamming of the front door are anything to go by. Kendall and Katie listen as Carlos’ feet pound up the stairs and then back down fifteen seconds later when he finds Kendall’s bedroom empty, still shouting all the way. “Kendall!”

Katie turns up the sound on the television, but it’s not enough to block out Carlos’ next words, announced as he runs into the living room. “James is coming home for Christmas!”

* * *

_Kendall unlocks the front door and steps into his house, not surprised in the least when the others trail behind and flop down on his couch, turning on the television. He closes the door, heading to the kitchen as James’ pained moans become outrageously exaggerated._

_He wants to tell James to shut it, but this will only encourage James’ behavior, so Kendall keeps quiet. He rummages through the freezer looking for the fifth icepack when he feels James creep up behind him. “Go back and watch TV. I’ll be in, in a minute,” he mutters, head still deep in the appliance._

_“Why’d you make Carlos give me his helmet?”_

_Kendall will forever swear that the redness in his cheeks comes from the icy-coldness of the freezer. He thinks about spouting off some half-truth about how he didn’t want to see girls swarming James day after day, cooing over his slightly injured face. Or he could just tell James the whole truth and let the chips fall-_

_“The Pussycat Dolls video is next!” Carlos calls from the next room and James appears to forget that he asked a question since he goes barreling out of the room before Kendall can open his mouth._

_-wherever they may._

_Kendall eventually locates the last icepack behind a stack of tater-tot boxes._

_After he walks into the living room, he tosses a pack to Carlos, lobs one at James’ head which James deftly catches, and hands two to Logan, who despite being sandwiched between Kendall and the brick wall, seems to be sporting the most injuries._

_Kendall lowers himself onto the couch next to James, applying the icepack to where it hurts the most at that moment. He lets a few seconds of continued ‘oww-ing’ among them pass before he can’t help but quip, “Pussycat Dolls make the pain go away.”_

_James takes this statement as his opening, claiming, “I’m going to marry her someday.”_

_Kendall pretends like James’ proclamation means nothing more than saying the sky is blue or two plus two equals four, but Logan always tries to be the voice of reason. “You’re going to marry Nicole Scherzinger? How?”_

_James rises quickly and hops up on the coffee table, confirming Kendall’s suspicions that the girls went easy on him and his moaning and groaning were just an attention-seeking ploy._

_Kendall stares at James as James outlines his plans on becoming a famous pop star prior to making Nicole his wife, while standing atop the table before them. By the time James jumps to the space he vacated next to Logan, shakes his ass in Logan’s face, and Logan slaps at it, Kendall has had enough. He looks to Carlos to help rectify the insanity that is currently occurring on the couch._

_Simply uttering Carlos’ name has the boy donning his returned helmet and tackling James over the back of the sofa and to the floor. Kendall can hear the grunting and things shattering as the two on the ground scramble for the upper hand. Occasionally, the couch receives a hard kick and after it happens a third time, Kendall grins at Logan, who just smirks and shakes his head._

_The end of the chaos inciting video gives way to a news segment and the VJ on screen asks, “Now, do you wanna be a pop star?”_

_Out of the corner of his eye, Kendall sees Carlos and James, loosely trapped in a headlock by Carlos, pop up over his left shoulder, still behind the sofa. “Yes,” James says to the TV._

_“Well today’s your chance if you’re in…Minnesota. Are you ready?” questions the VJ._

_“I-I’m-m in Minnesota,” James breathlessly stutters._

_Kendall would totally make fun of him for it, except he’s too stunned by the face being shown on his television. The girl shrieking about being the next Gwen Stefani can’t be- “That’s Jenny Tinkler from homeroom!”_

_Kendall and Logan climb to their feet, eyes never leaving the TV while the brawling duo jump back over to the front of the sofa. All four lean close, as if they can absorb any incoming information by being nearer._

_The VJ prattles on, describing so-called ‘mega-producer’ Gustavo Rocque’s history with the entertainment industry, as well as ascribing him credit for claiming he could make a pop star out of a dog._

_James stammers again, “I sing better than a dog!”_

_Kendall can hear the barely controlled excitement in James’ voice. James sounds the same way before both an important hockey game_ and _a talent competition at school._

_Hell, he even sounds like that when they have Prank Day._

_That thought has Kendall starting to plot his next victory, thus ensuring the crown stays with him, when he hears the VJ say, “Sign-ups are until five pm.”_

_Four sets of eyes swing over to the conveniently chiming clock, which shows the current time to be four thirty._

_Kendall knows James will whine and mope forever about his missed opportunity if Kendall doesn’t give this everything he’s got in his arsenal. “Call all moms now!” he commands._

_All four strike out and are forced to leave messages begging for a return call as they ‘need a ride, real bad’. They place their respective phones on the table James had been using as a makeshift stage, and proceed to stare down all of them in one shot._

_After about five seconds, James’ nervous excitement gets the best of him and he yells “Ring!” at the silent phones._

_Surprisingly, that actually produces the desired response. It’s Carlos’ phone that rings, and if his end of the conversation is anything to go by, his mom will be there shortly to bring them wherever it is they need to be._

_But, since this is Carlos, nothing is as it seems. The caller was not his mom. No one will be arriving soon to drive them anywhere._

_Kendall watches James’s face go from outrageously hopeful to bitterly disappointed in less than a second. Then James shoves Carlos back over the top of the couch, jumping after him, and proceeding to, what Kendall can only assume based on the sounds Carlos is making, choke the life out of one of their best friends for crushing his dream._

_A vase goes flying by Logan’s face before it shatters against the mantle behind him, prompting him to call out, “Kendall?”_

_Kendall hurries to Logan’s side, yelling, “Logan has a learner’s permit!”_

_The fighting pair again appears over the back of the sofa, interested to hear where this could be going._

_Logan immediately begins spouting off all the things that keep him from being able to drive a car by himself with just the others present, like needing a licensed driver with him. Oh yeah, a vehicle to drive would be helpful too._

_Neither of which they have at their disposal right now._

_James steps away from Carlos, but he’s brandishing a lamp. “Kendall, do something!”_

_Kendall is pleased that James wants him to fix this mess._

_The problem lies in being the one to blame if James doesn’t get to this Gustavo Rocque guy in time. Time to find a scapegoat._

Enter Logan.

_Kendall aims for a look of indignation, saying, “What are you looking at me for? Logan’s the genius!”_

_Unfortunately for Kendall, Logan’s no stranger to this tactic and sends the responsibility back the way it came. “What?! I panic under pressure and then you always come up with the answer.”_

_“What? That is_ so _not true and-”_

_James is giving him the ‘stop bullshitting me and figure something out’ look and Kendall cracks under its weight._

_“I know how to get there.”_

* * *

Kendall watches as Katie plies Carlos with the last few remaining cookies in the jar and shoves him out the door, reminding him that he needs to “Go tell Logan!” 

Just as she’s shutting the door, a car pulls into the driveway. “Mom’s home.”

Kendall’s instilled manners shock him back to life. He grabs his phone from the table and pockets it before he steps outside to help his mother with the groceries. 

It takes six trips until everything is inside the kitchen because Kendall is dragging it out. He’s not ready to come to terms with James returning home for Christmas. 

Snow begins to fall at a steady pace as he slams the car’s hatchback. 

Kendall takes out his phone intending to shoot Logan a quick text reminding him that it’s his turn to shovel Mrs. Majakowski’s walkway when he sees two text messages beneath the barrage of Carlos’ contact attempts.

Figuring that he’s spent enough time ignoring James, Kendall decides to test his feelings by opening the messages instead of deleting them unread as he has been for almost a month. 

The first message is James announcing his impending homecoming and the number of its recipients is many. 

The second message, if his phone is to be believed, was sent moments after the first. Kendall checks to see how many people got this one as well and finds that he is the only one.

James’ follow up text simply reads: **Promise**.

\--

Four hours later, Kendall is surrounded by an assortment of breads, pies and cookies.

He keeps reaching for the plate of snickerdoodles near him, surprised his mom hasn’t stopped him from devouring nearly the whole batch she made.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Kendall looks up at his mom, half a cookie still hanging from his mouth. “Talk about what?” he asks once he manages to swallow the other half. 

Mrs. Knight raises an eyebrow at her son. “Whatever it is that has you searching for answers at the bottom of the snickerdoodle plate. Is this about James?”

Kendall shifts his gaze to the bay window behind her. The snowflakes have slowed down to a lazy flurry in the waning daylight. It makes Kendall think of how he never texted Logan like he was going to. “Can’t stay and chat now, Mom. Gotta go shovel Mrs. M’s walkway like I promised.”

Kendall pushes away from the kitchen counter and strides towards the hallway closet for his outerwear. He pulls on his gloves and jacket, wondering where his beanie went since the last time he wore it. A quick check of his pockets proves fruitless, so hatless he shall remain.

He shouts goodbye to his mother and is out the door before she has a chance to respond.

His brain betrays him by forcing him to relive how his promise came to be as he walks two houses down to Mrs. Majakowski. He had promised to shovel her walkway all winter long, free of charge, in return of a favor.

And while Kendall isn’t happy in how everything has turned out, he will continue to honor his promise because Kendall Knight doesn’t break promises. If he did, then he would be like James. 

Or worse, Kendall’s own father.

* * *

_“I know how to get there.”_

_After that, Kendall refuses to say anything more than “Get some clothes and shoes on. We’re going for a little walk.”_

_He waits until they pretend to be suitably dressed and shoos them out the door._

_“Are we walking all the way downtown, Kendall? Because if so, we don’t have enough time to get there for the audition process.”_

_Kendall ignores Logan’s question as he closes and locks the door. His mom might be angry about the state of the living room when she and Katie arrive home, but Kendall has bigger things to worry about._

_He slips around the other three and crosses the lawn. Kendall continues through the next yard like he owns that place too before he stops at the door of house next to the one next to his._

_He rings the doorbell and turns back to the guys as he waits for the door to be answered. “Mrs. Majakowski has a car and a license. We just need to convince her to let Logan drive her car.”_

_When Mrs. Majakowski opens her front door, Kendall pleads their case. She stands there in her housecoat behind her walker, munching on what appears to be a slice of lunchmeat, looking unimpressed._

_Kendall can feel James glaring daggers behind him so he changes tactics. “All you have to do is sit in the car- Logan will drive- and we’ll shovel your walkway for free. All winter long!”_

_Mrs. Majakowski continues to appear unmoved. She wanders away from the door, leaving it wide open and four very confused boys standing on her stoop._

_“Mrs. Majakowski?” Logan calls out after a minute. “Are you coming back or should we close the door and go home?”_

_“Go home?” James questions loudly. “We’re not going home! We will make it to that theater even if we have to run there.”_

_“But-” Logan’s retort dies on his lips when they see Mrs. Majakowski come back towards them. She’s dressed to go out._

_“Didn’t you say audition sign-ups are only until five? Let’s get a move on!” She totters forward and Kendall starts to be concerned about the time himself as he watches her slow movement._

_“Everyone grab a limb! Hold on Mrs. M., we’re gonna carry you to the car.” Kendall says to her as they approach. “This way you won’t slip on the residual ice.”_

_Mrs. Majakowski nods understandingly. “Go ahead, dear.”_

_They move quickly, Logan, Carlos and James, actually doing the carrying as Kendall trails behind waving Mrs. Majakowski’s purse, shouting out directions at everyone._

_Because of this, Kendall ends up in the passenger seat while Carlos is squished between James and Mrs. M in the backseat._

_Logan nervously looks in the rearview mirror. “Everyone buckled up?”_

_“Just go!” James shouts._

_Logan cranks the ignition and the car starts. He hears another “Go!” from the rear of the car and yells back, “It’s gotta warm up!”_

_Kendall leans over, instructing Logan to put his foot on the brake pedal. When Logan does, Kendall shifts the car from park to drive. “Now, please drive,” he requests._

_Kendall is grateful Logan knows how to get where they’re headed because Kendall’s too caught up listening to James’ vocal exercises to provide much instruction._

_The theater surrounded by throngs of people comes into view exactly eight minutes later._

_Kendall feels the car slide when Logan applies pressure on the brake pedal. He shifts the car into park for the boy trembling beside him and says, “Let’s go!”_

_His words push the others to move a little more rapidly, and it’s only after they’ve scrambled inside and signed James in at one minute ‘til five, that Kendall remembers they abandoned Mrs. Majakowski._

_He’s about to convince Logan to park the car somewhere that isn’t the middle of the icy street and assist Mrs. M inside when a self-admitted desperate talent scout swings by and asks if he wants his dreams to come true today. Kendall half-jokingly tells her about his hockey aspirations. Nevertheless, she smacks him with an audition number._

_Kendall looks at his friends as she strides back into the auditorium after informing them that eight hundred and ten is next, and sees that each one of them bears a number as well. How the hell did an audition for James turn into such a farce that all of them are performing for this Rocque guy?_

_James switches numbers with Logan, and Kendall chalks it up to James needing a few more minutes to properly warm up his vocal cords. They watch Logan go in and return in under a minute looking downright petrified. James sits silently as Logan paints a vivid picture of Gustavo Rocque as ‘Satan with bug-eyed sunglasses’, telling James to not go in there._

_The talent scout appears and calls James’ new number, eight hundred and eleven._

_Kendall frowns when James switches numbers once more and puts Carlos ahead of him. Carlos goes bounding into the auditorium, not heeding Logan’s warnings about the man inside._

_His audition is even shorter than Logan’s but Carlos is all smiles when he returns. “Not going to Hollywood!” he cheers, high-fiving palms as he passes the others._

_Since James has been chair hopping every time someone else has gone in, he’s now sitting next to Kendall. When the next number is called, James reaches for Kendall’s tag, but Kendall keeps a firm hand pressed to his number. He won’t allow James to chicken out again. “James. This is your dream, not mine. Opportunities like this come once in a lifetime. Now grab onto that dream with both hands and go big time!”_

_Kendall pushes James towards his destiny and is relieved to see not only James actually go inside, but that Mrs. Majakowski is standing at his side. He raises an eyebrow at her._

_“One of the nice policemen outside helped me park my car and walked me in. Let’s go watch James!”_

_Kendall watches her move spryly and she’s inside the auditorium before anyone can think to stop her. He immediately follows and can hear Logan and Carlos trading furious whispers as they trail behind._

_Kendall spots Mrs. M about halfway up the floor, ducking down so she won’t likely be seen by the security guards up front. He guides Carlos and Logan to where she is and forces them into the row beside her. “Be quiet!” Kendall chides the bickering pair._

_All four are hunched over to remain out of sight, but once James begins to sing, it’s like they are drawn towards his voice and one by one, each head emerges to watch the boy on stage._

* * *

Kendall’s about a quarter of the way done with the driveway when Logan shows up.

“I thought it was my turn to do the walkway.”

Kendall doesn’t pause in his work. “It was. It’s done now, so you can go back home.”

The sound of metal scraping pavement pulls Kendall’s focus to the mouth of the driveway where Logan is clearing and flinging snow over the four-foot banks the best he can. “I got this. Go home. Go study or something.”

Logan continues moving snow. “The weathermen are forecasting snow every day for the next ten, with the possibility of heavy snow Christmas Eve into Christmas. So heavy that planes might not be able to get in or out.”

Kendall wants to beat Logan with the shovel in his hands because he knows what Logan’s not saying. “So? Are you trying to tell me that I’m going to have to shovel Mrs. M’s walkway alone from now on since the banks are going to be higher than you and Carlos?”

“I’m just saying that Carlos is so excited for Ja-” 

Kendall glares at Logan, daring him to finish the name still lingering on the tip of his tongue.

“-him to come home and you don’t seem to be thrilled. What exactly happened between you two anyway?”

Kendall ignores Logan’s question. “We can only take each day as it comes.”

Logan looks like he wants to push Kendall into answering his question, but Mrs. Majakowski flips on the porch light at that moment and it spurs Kendall back to work. 

He hears Logan bid him a goodnight, giving a half-hearted, distracted wave at Logan’s back. He puts his emotions to good use and within minutes, the whole driveway is clear of the fallen snow.

Kendall goes to let Mrs. M know that her walkway and driveway are snow-free, albeit temporarily. “I’ll be back tomorrow to go at it again.”

She smiles at him. “I know, dear. You would never break a promise. Goodnight, Kendall. Merry Christmas.”

He wishes her the same and starts the short trek home.

“No, I wouldn’t break a promise,” he mumbles under his breath as he reaches his door. “Unlike some people.”

* * *

_Kendall would like to say that James is okay, but that would be a lie._

_Kendall’s eyes bounce from James’ figure under the harsh stage lights to the talent scout and a large guy sitting behind a table in the orchestra pit, attempting to analyze how this glitch is going to play itself out._

_The glitch being the crack everyone heard on the high note just seconds ago, followed by a barked out “Stop.”_

_James stumbles over some words of apology and nerves, asking, “Can I start over?”_

_The rotund guy starts to agree and Kendall lets go of the breath he wasn’t aware he’d been holding. He gazes back at James just as the agreement for a new beginning gets cast in a new light. “Yeah, you can start over. Why don’t you go outside and then just don’t come back in, k?”_

_Kendall doesn’t need to look at James to know that he’s currently sporting a confused look._

_Besides, he’s too busy watching the argument between the two behind the table._

_Kendall’s too far away to catch everything being said, but he does get phrases like ‘canvas with great hair’, ‘singing block of wood’ and ‘CEO of all our butts’ coming from the talent scout before she puts a solid elbow into the guy’s ribs and sweetly announces to James, “We’re ready for you to begin when you are.”_

_Kendall slides his glance back to James and smiles encouragingly when James’ eyes lock on his. When James opens his mouth and begins to sing, Kendall’s not surprised that his next try is about as flawless as James can deliver._

_James has never been one to waste second chances._

_Kendall’s watching the producer and the talent scout talk animatedly back and forth while James performs and when the woman grins, Kendall knows James is going to get the offer. He sneaks out of the theater, not wanting to be around when it happens._

_Kendall walks past the few lingerers hoping to speak to Gustavo Rocque and steps outside hoping the frigid air will clear his head. He’s going to have to pretend to be excited that James is leaving to follow his dream. Because there’s no question in Kendall’s mind that James is going to accept._

Who the fuck is going to be right wing now? _he wonders. Kendall is mentally running through the roster, looking for a suitable candidate to run defense with him when he gets shoved._

_Kendall’s fists automatically come up to protect his face before he glances over to see who touched him. Carlos’ ridiculously happy face beams back at him. “Guess who’s going to Hollywood?!”_

_Kendall peers around Carlos and past Logan to James, who’s being uncharacteristically silent. Kendall notes that his hazel eyes are wide and he appears to be clutching a business card like it’s his lifeline._

_“Don’t worry about him. He’s just in shock.”_

_Kendall cuts his gaze to Logan. “If you say so. I’m kinda hungry. How about we head back home so Mrs. M can do what she pleases and we can have dinner?”_

_Carlos’ stomach answers by rumbling loudly._

_Kendall loops his left arm through Mrs. Majakowski’s right arm and instructs Logan to get her other side. “Now Mrs. M, where did you park the car?”_

\--

_It takes them twenty minutes to get back to Kendall’s house after all is said and done. James is still trailing behind everyone and quiet as a mouse as they enter._

_It’s starting to scare Kendall._

_He’s contemplating grabbing James by the shoulders and shaking him just to see if he was replaced by some pod person in the ten or so minutes Kendall was away from him when James’ cell rings._

_It’s as if someone flicked a switch, because James moves so quickly, Kendall would have problems believing it if he hadn’t just witnessed the rapid retrieve, glance, opening of the phone, pressing it to his ear._

_“Mom…. You spoke with him?…And?…You spoke with Dad?…And?…Okay. Can I stay the night at Kendall’s?…Yes, I promise to be home early tomorrow. I got some packing to do!…Love you too, Mom!”_

_Kendall eyes James warily. “So what’s going on?”_

_“I’m going to Hollywood tomorrow!” James shouts gleefully._

_Refusing to acknowledge the unease that is settling over him, Kendall mumbles, “I’m going to start dinner,” and quickly makes his escape to the kitchen. His head is in the freezer when he gets a startling sense of déjà vu thanks to his sensing James’ arrival into the kitchen. “Hope you’re not looking for anything fancier than fish sticks and tots.”_

_“Of course not; it’s Friday.”_

_Kendall jumps at James’s response, not expecting him to be as close as he is. Kendall grabs the boxes for dinner and leans over to preheat the oven. When he closes the door, the newest addition to the dry-erase calendar attached to the freezer door catches his eye. “Do you really have to go tomorrow?” he asks quietly, eyes not leaving James’ penmanship._

_The silence stretches on for so long that Kendall turns to look at James, wondering if his question penetrated the big hair and thick skull of his best friend. He watches James open his mouth, only to close it again when Carlos’ voice cuts through the air, “The Pussycat Dolls are on!”_

_Kendall’s beginning to think he may have fallen into a time loop._

_Carlos walks into the kitchen. “Come on, Kendall! I heard the oven beep at least thirty seconds ago. Why are you not putting dinner in the oven? You’re wasting precious time!”_

_Carlos drags James back into the living room, yammering on about girls, the beach, stars, and girls (again) to the pretty boy, almost as if Carlos is waiting to be invited to go along._

_Kendall wants to stalk into the living room and tell Carlos that he can’t go anywhere, that losing one best friend is more than he can take already, that losing two would devastate him so badly he wouldn’t know how to function._

_Instead, Kendall puts all of his attention on lining the cookie sheets with aluminum foil and dumping enough fish sticks to choke an elephant on one. He shoves it in the oven with so much might that the sheet bounces back at him slightly and Kendall’s forced to close the oven door before dinner ends up on the floor._

_He sets the timer and sits down to wait for the allotted time to pass so he can add the tater tots to the oven. He tries not to think of how this will be the last time the four of them sit down and clown around through a meal._

_Kendall doubts that this last meal- The Last Supper, he mentally jokes- will be anything like James deserves if he continues moping. But how can he not? Losing your best friend is like losing limb- all of them are vital for a happy, fulfilling life._

_Sure life will go on without said limb, but you’ll always know something is missing._

_Logan wanders through looking for some water and remarks, “Ummm. Tots should have gone in three minutes ago. Want me to take over dinner?”_

_Kendall just stares at Logan, so Logan grabs the box of tater tots and spreads the contents on the sheet evenly. Kendall has never been more sorry than he is right now for pantsing Logan in the cafeteria, back in the third grade when Logan was still a lonely nerd struggling to find his place in the group._

_Maybe if he hadn’t done it, James wouldn’t be leaving and Kendall would definitely not be having this internal crisis. “I know I’ve said it before, Logan, but I’m sorry for yanking your pants down when we were little.”_

_Logan glances over, smiling. “What even made you…oh.” His smile dims. “I learned the hard way that no one comes between James Diamond and his dreams. Or they must face the wrath of his friends.” He slides the tots to the oven and joins Kendall at the table. “So what’s the plan?”_

_“There is no plan. James is going to L.A. and we will continue on the best we can without him.”_

_Kendall hears Logan’s head drop to the table. “I don’t know how that’s possible,” he says softly._

_Silently, Kendall agrees._

\--

_The Last Supper goes off without a hitch despite the fish sticks being cooler than their tot counterparts._

_Sure there are lulls when normally they’re all shouting over each other to be heard and they’re eating slower than normal as if to make the meal last, but other than that…._

_Mrs. Knight arrives home with Katie about halfway through the torture. Katie takes one look at the table’s occupants saying, “Geez, who died?” and leaves before anyone can speak._

_Mrs. Knight raises her eyebrows. “Well?”_

_Kendall peers up at his mom, “Nobody died…that we know of, anyway. James auditioned for a producer earlier, was offered an opportunity to live his dream and he’s leaving for L.A. tomorrow.”_

_She places a hand on his shoulder, discreetly giving him as much comfort she can. “I’ll be upstairs. Yell if you need anything.” Right before she disappears from the room completely, she turns back. “Congratulations, James. Don’t forget us when you’re famous.”_

_“I won’t, Mama Knight. I promise.”_

* * *

Kendall returns home lost in thought. He sheds all the extraneous clothing, puts everything in its proper place and is halfway up the stairs, before he remembers to call out to his mom. “I’m home and I’ll be in my room!”

This time, he waits for her to acknowledge his words before he continues to his destination. 

A gigantic yawn overtakes him and his eyes water from it. A quick glance at his alarm clock shows the time to be just short of eight pm.

 _Screw it_ , he thinks. _This day has been too long already, I’m going to bed now_. Kendall strips down to his undershirt and boxers, yawning just as big twice more. His body starts shutting down as he makes his way over to his bed, readying itself for some rest.

Except as soon as Kendall lays himself out on the bed and closes his eyes, his brain kicks into gear and his thoughts become louder than ever. He starts using a distraction technique, falling back to wondering why Arkansas is pronounced as ‘ar-kan-saw’ rather than the more obvious ‘ar-kansas’. 

After two minutes of this train, Kendall’s no closer to corralling his thoughts enough to relax and he gives up. He reluctantly reopens his eyes, grabbing the TV’s remote control. If he can’t quiet his brain, he will drown it out with mindless programming.

A complete circuit of all available channels and Kendall cannot find a single show to catch his interest, which is really the best thing for him, so he settles on a re-run of the cop show he caught Katie watching earlier. 

The formulation of the show does what it needs to- nearly two and a half hours later. But just because Kendall was able to focus on something other than James and his one-worded text, doesn’t mean that he’s able to control his thoughts while asleep. 

And the dream returns.

* * *

_Logan and Carlos leave for their own homes around nine, each swearing to stop and give James a proper good-bye early tomorrow afternoon._

_Kendall putters around the living room, cleaning up their mess while keeping an eye on James, who stands at the window, watching Carlos and Logan walk away._

_It’s only because the television is on mute that Kendall catches James speaking to himself. “It’ll be fine. You’ll be okay. This is what you want.”_

_Kendall brings the trash into the kitchen, head spinning. Could James be just as upset about leaving as they are to let him go? How could that even be possible?_

_“Hey Kendall? I’m going to head upstairs and get started on my routine.”_

_Kendall leans out of the kitchen and sees James stalk up the stairs, muttering to himself. He collapses into the nearest chair, if only to stop himself from chasing after James and giving the wannabe pop star solid reasons why he can’t leave Minnesota. Kendall’s aware that his reasons for wanting James to stay are selfish, so he waits out his impulse._

_He sits for so long that James ends up coming to look for him. “Have you been zoning out this entire time?”_

_Kendall tilts his head to glance at the clock on the wall. Time is now the enemy. It chimes back the ten o’clock hour and Kendall glares at it in retaliation as he’s reminded that his time with James is rapidly dwindling. “Maybe? Wanna help me finish up here so we can go upstairs and play some Bio Blast before you start insisting you need your beauty sleep?”_

_The two boys make quick work of the little bit left, and head for Kendall’s bedroom._

_“Do you remember that day in third grade when Logan tried to make us learn the multiplication tables at lunch?”_

_James stops on the stairs in front of Kendall, half-turning. “You mean the day where you and Carlos pantsed him in front of everyone in the lunchroom because he laughed when I said I wanted to sign up for the talent show- and that my talent was singing?”_

_Kendall nods then pokes James in the butt to get him moving again. “Yeah. Logan brought it up earlier. He said he learned the hard way that no one comes between you and your dreams. If they do, they have to answer to us.”_

_James stops again, this time at the top of the stairs. “But there won’t be any you, or any of you, in L.A.. I’m not sure I want to do this.”_

_Kendall stares at James, knowing it’s just nerves talking. He finishes climbing the stairs and takes James by the arm, leading him into the bedroom before closing the door behind them._

_He sits James on his bed and stands before him. “You have been talking about being a pop star since we were eight. And I mean seriously. Every time someone asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, your answer was always, ‘I’m gonna be a pop star!’. You’re so close to it right now, James, that even_ I _can taste it. You’re going to be rich and famous and marry Nicole Scherzinger.”_

_Kendall watches a steely resolve slide over James’ features. “I’m gonna be a pop star!” he crows quietly._

_“Damn straight, you are.”_

_Kendall’s almost to the closet where he keep the video games when he feels James’ arms crush him from behind and freezes in the one-sided hug. “Thank you for everything, Kendall. I couldn’t have done any of this without you.”_

* * *

Kendall hides in his room for most of the next day, doing homework, of all things. His mom leaves him alone and Katie sticks her head in only once to confirm that he’s not dead.

He comes out for dinner, not saying much during the meal and immediately after leaves to clear out Mrs. Majakowski. 

The banks of snow are getting ridiculous, even by Minnesota standards, and Kendall’s arms start to burn by the time he’s a third of the way done. Having to toss the new snow on top of the growing piles of old, the smidgen of new snow, hurts in a way Kendall doesn’t have words to describe. 

He plugs along, reveling in the pain. The physical ache in his arms keeps him from having to inspect the lingering ache inside himself.

Kendall leaves Mrs. M’s walkway for last, shoveling the path from the driveway to the door instead of the reverse which is the norm. He plants his shovel in the snow bank to the left of the stairs and knocks on the door.

When Mrs. Majakowski opens it, she’s on the other side eating Christmas cookies. _Does she ever answer the door while she_ isn’t _eating?_ Kendall wonders. “I’m done, Mrs. M. Do you have a few minutes?”

Kendall sees her nod, mouth still moving around her cookie. Once she swallows, she says, “Come on in, Kendall dear. Would you like a cookie?” She holds her plate out as he opens the storm door and he takes a sugar cookie dusted with green and red sprinkles.

He stands awkwardly in the doorway, eating his cookie carefully as to not get crumbs on Mrs. Majakowski’s carpet, even though it appears that she holds no such compunctions, while the older woman backs up and sits down in her arm chair, walker carefully kept in front of her.

“Have a seat, Kendall.” Mrs. M waits until he’s seated on the sofa across from her chair before she speaks again. “What’s on your mind?” When Kendall says nothing, she surprises him by asking, “Is it about James?”

Kendall goggles at her for a moment. “How did you know?”

“I overheard you and Logan speaking when I turned the floodlight on for you two last night. So James is coming home for Christmas.” She smiles at Kendall. “You haven’t seen each other since the beginning of November, right? So why aren’t you happy like Carlos? That boy could have awakened the dead with all of his hollerin’ yesterday morning.”

Kendall grimaces knowing that not everyone enjoys Carlos’ enthusiasm. “I’m sorry if he disturbed you, Mrs. Majakowski. I’ll remind Carlos again that he doesn’t have to be at the top of his volume so much.”

“You will do no such thing. Let him show his excitement how he sees fit. He’s excited that he’s going to be seeing his best friend again. Your best friend. So what’s keeping you from shouting about it?”

Kendall goes for the joke. “Uh, decorum?” The stern look he receives, has him swallowing hard. “I don’t want to count on something that won’t happen.”

“Why don’t you think it’ll happen, Kendall?”

Kendall shrugs, not wanting to be honest and vulnerable, but he desperately needs someone outside the cloying claustrophobic circle to confide in. “The weather’s not looking so great, except it’s a Minnesota winter so that’s to be expected.” He stares at his feet when he admits the next part, “And James swore he’d be home for Thanksgiving.”

* * *

_The video games last for little more than an hour when, surprisingly, Kendall begins to show signs of fatigue first. He feels his eyelids start to droop and makes a concentrated effort to keep his eyes open by widening them as far as they will go. At the sound of James’ soft laughter, Kendall forgets about everything and turns his head, wanting to capture the memory in the making._

_“Give it up, man. You’re tired and I need to be going home before ten tomorrow. Let’s hit the hay.”_

_Kendall shakes his head. He opens his mouth to further his protest and a yawn escapes without permission._

_“I know what you’re doing. It doesn’t work at the end of summer, and it won’t work now. Tomorrow will come no matter how much you fight it. Come on, turn the TV off. Time for sleep.”_

_When Kendall doesn’t move from his spot on the bed, James stands and makes his way to the TV, skillfully stepping over the assorted clothing, books and dishware that litter Kendall’s floor, along side the video game console._

_James uses the light from the television to pack up the console and return it to the closet before he reaches over and turns it off, plunging the room into complete darkness._

_Kendall suspects he’s gone blind, that’s how much he can’t see. “Smooth move, Ex Lax. How are you going to get back over here without breaking your pretty neck?”_

_James’ response is a whisper in Kendall’s ear. “Guess I’ll just have to be careful.”_

_It startles him, and subsequently, Kendall rockets to his feet to avoid James’ lips being anywhere near his face. Only, this plan backfires, because James had been standing so close to the bed that Kendall is now flush against his body and James’ minty exhales are way too close._

_Kendall wants to swallow them as they appear._

_He closes his eyes to ground himself, feeling stupid when he has to put extra effort into it because his sense of sight had already been removed from the equation._ James is leaving. Now is not the time.

_“I’m going to miss you the most, Kendall.”_

But he may never come back. If now is not the time, then when? _“James-”_

_Kendall’s almost plea is drowned out by James’ gigantic yawn. “It’s definitely time for bed. I need to look extra gorgeous for my flight tomorrow. I might meet Nicole at the airport; can’t look bad for my future wife!”_

_Kendall lets his legs give way, falling onto the bed behind him. He sits there for a moment, stunned by the realization James will never see him the way he sees James._

_When James clamps a stabilizing hand on Kendall’s shoulder, Kendall slides back so that he’s out of James’ reach, if only for a moment, and rolls onto his side, facing the wall, body as compact as he can make his lanky frame, wishing he could fold into himself and disappear._

_The bed dips and shakes a little, settling a few moments later._

_“I’ll be home for Thanksgiving.”_

_Kendall stops breathing and flinches when James touches his arm._

_“Did you hear me? I’m coming back for Thanksgiving.”_

_Kendall takes a deep breath before he speaks. “You don’t know that. The holiday is less than three weeks away. I don’t think they’ll let you go again once you’re there.”_

_The grip on Kendall’s forearm tightens. “I’ll find a way.”_

_Kendall shakes his arm until James releases it. “Go to sleep.”_

_“Why are you mad?”_

_Kendall turns over to face James’ profile. “You were there all those times he’d call to say he was coming and didn’t show. You know how much I hate him because of it. It’s why I don’t take his seldom calls or speak about him. Do you really want to be just like_ him _?”_

_“You know I don’t. I don’t want you to hate me.”_

_Kendall sighs. “I don’t want to hate you either. Go to sleep. You have a big day ahead of you tomorrow. You’re going to meet your future.”_

\--

_Sleep doesn’t come for Kendall like it does for James, and after half an hour of listening to James’ gentle snores, Kendall slides off the end of his bed and wanders downstairs in search of a small snack and some warm milk, stumbling over the detritus of his life just once._

_He munches on some leftover popcorn as he warms milk in a saucepan. He knows that the microwave would be quicker, but this is how his mom taught him and there’s something soothing about the slow stirring the milk requires to be heated thoroughly._

_Five minutes later, Kendall’s seated on the couch, mug full of milk in hand, when the clock chimes midnight and Kendall’s heart sinks to the pit of his stomach._

It’s officially the day James is leaving.

* * *

“James was busy, Kendall. And he left less than a month prior. What reason did he give you for not coming home?”

Kendall doesn’t lift his gaze from the floor, he grumbles at it, not really wanting to admit the next part.

“Kendall?”

This time, Kendall raises his head, but his glance goes to the door he walked through minutes earlier. “I don’t know. I don’t know what bull-. Sorry, Mrs. Majakowski. I don’t know what excuse he would have used because he never bothered to call me.”

“Are you trying to tell me that James didn’t contact you in some way at all? I find that hard to believe. Communication is a two-way street, you know.”

Kendall squeezes his eyes shut, not wanting to relive the shit-storm of emotions he faced the first time James slowly stopped responding to his calls and texts. Kendall opens his eyes and faces Mrs. Majakowski. He needs her to see the honesty written across his face when he says,

“I tried.”

* * *

_Kendall is barely awake when James is forced to leave._

_“I’ll see you in a couple of hours,” James states before he slides out the front door and jogs down the road._

_If he didn’t think it was impossible, Kendall would tell you that that careless, little ‘I’ll see you in a couple of hours’ nicked his heart badly enough to start a crack that Kendall knows will spider if given enough time._

_Because no one will be around to repair it._

_Kendall rubs at his eyes with his fists, pretending to be driving out the last vestiges of slumber instead of holding some wetness back. He stands at the same window James did the previous night, cursing his luck on living at the end of a cul-de-sac._

_It takes longer than it should for James to disappear from his view._

_It happens, finally, but not before James turns and looks back._

_Kendall steps away from the window, away from James._

It’s time to start letting go.

\--

_Three hours later, Kendall strolls up to the monstrosity that’s parked by the curb of the Diamond property. The limo looks bigger than any others Kendall ever remembers seeing and the back passenger side window is partially down, allowing Kendall to make out the large record producer and his putout talent scout sitting in the back, waiting for James._

_“Kendall, you’re finally here! Please go get James from his room. He wouldn’t budge until you showed up,” Brooke pleads when she catches sight of him._

_Kendall nods at her, leaving all the other well-wishers standing at the end of the driveway before taking what feels like a dead man’s walk towards the house and entering it._

_“James?” he calls out, trying to verify that the boy in question, the one they’re all waiting for, is indeed still in his room._

_When Kendall receives no response, he climbs the stairs swiftly, hangs a left and strides down to the end. The door to the bedroom is wide open, providing Kendall with a view of James facing away from the door, seemingly looking around his room rather forlornly._

_Kendall’s puzzling out the picture laid before him, when he hears James speak._

_“Can you promise me something?”_

_Kendall stares at James’ back. “Anything.”_

_“Don’t give up on me.”_

_Kendall steps forward, grasping James around his middle and pulls him to a standing position. He turns James around so they’re facing each other and wraps his arms around James’ torso once more, letting his hug say all the things he wants to but won’t let himself voice._

_Kendall’s trying to make sense of what James could possibly be asking when, out of the corner of his eye, he sees James’ head pull back. Not even a second later, James’ face is filling up Kendall’s vision and having that beautiful visage up close overwhelms Kendall immensely, forcing him to close his eyes._

_The brief sweep of something against his lips almost has Kendall’s eyes flying open again, except the pressure becomes slightly greater and it feels like the best thing Kendall’s ever known when he figures out that James is kissing him._

_And then, in an instant, the lips and their owner are gone, leaving cold, dreary Minnesota for the hot and sunny climes of California- eventually. Right now, Kendall knows that James left his room, his heavy footsteps getting softer with each passing heartbeat in Kendall’s ears._

_Kendall refuses to rejoin reality for a solid minute while his brain replays the events that just took place. Had James really kissed him? The tingling of Kendall’s lips says yes._

_He reopens his eyes and flies down the hall and stairs, rushing to ensure he doesn’t miss James leaving. Kendall makes it to foyer and stops, observing the front door standing wide open. James lingers on the top step, head turned towards the house’s interior and he peers over his shoulder as if he had been waiting for Kendall to appear._

_Kendall takes a few more steps but is violently stopped again when he hears James whisper, begging, “Please don’t give up on me.”_

_By the time Kendall forces his legs to work once more, they will only carry him to the entrance. He stands in the doorway of the Diamond mansion and watches James climb into the limo and depart for the airport. He reminds himself that although James appeared reluctant to go, once he starts working in L.A., he’ll be happy._

_He has to be._

_Or else, it means that Kendall’s fucked up._

\--

_The minute the limo rolls off, Kendall’s phone vibrates in his pocket. He fishes it out to find a text from the boy who essentially kissed him and ran away._

_**Call me in five hours.** _

_The unasked question of how to fill the hours gets answered when Brooke strides into the house and orders those following her to head into the dining room for the buffet._

_Kendall raises an eyebrow questioningly at Carlos as he rushes past._

_“Come on, dude! Mrs. Diamond says there are corndogs!” he calls over his shoulder._

_Kendall glances around for the last member of what is now an unfortunate trio, and finds Logan’s gaze on his face before Logan quickly turns away and scurries after Carlos._

_The look Kendall saw Logan wearing is enough to have him fleeing in the opposite direction. He can’t do this. Not here. Not now._

_Not when it reminds him of how he looked at James._

_Kendall slips out the back door and runs for the tree line at the back of the property. He follows it to the street, quietly walking home._

_He’s halfway there when a better idea strikes him._

_Kendall pulls out his wallet, checking its contents. Satisfied with what he’s found, he returns it to his back pocket and changes his direction._

_He’s standing in front of the local hockey rink less than ten minutes later. A short voicemail to his mom- “Hey mom, gonna smack some pucks for a few hours. Be home for dinner”- and Kendall heads inside to rent equipment, smack some pucks, and kill time until he can call James._

* * *

“I tried.”

Kendall lets the simple declaration hang in the air, not willing quite yet to elaborate. 

The grandfather clock to Kendall’s immediate left starts chiming the hour and its deep tone startles him. He glances up at it, and then brings his gaze back to Mrs. M. “I should be going. I took up enough of your time. Thank you for listening.”

Kendall stands, fully intending on seeing himself out when he feels a hand on his forearm. _She could be a ninja!_ Kendall thinks not for the first time.

“I’m always here, Kendall. Come by anytime.”

* * *

_The call to James is excruciatingly brief._

_“James, how’s California so far?”_

_“Well, the airport was nice…I think. Lemme look out the window. It’s sunny, there are palm trees everywhere-”_

_“Dog, get off the phone!”_

_Kendall startles at the shout. “James? Is everything okay? There’s a dog on a phone?”_

_He hears James sigh and say, “Yeah, me. Gustavo’s bringing me to meet the marketing team. They’re gonna-”_

_“Off the phone now!”_

_Kendall makes out the sounds of a mild scuffle with the phone being the apparent prize. Right before the call is disconnected, there’s once last shout. This time it’s from James._

_“I’ll talk to you tomorrow!”_

_And then there’s the click._

_Kendall pulls the phone away from his ear to stare at it in disbelief. He waited for that?_

I’ll be damned if I do it again tomorrow _, he thinks._

\--

_It turns out, Kendall doesn’t have to wait that long._

_He’s getting ready for bed, ignoring the flashes of memory from the previous night when he wasn’t alone, when his phone starts vibrating across the nightstand beside his bed._

_Kendall swipes at it and misses as it dances away. A second attempt results in the same outcome, phone just inches from Kendall’s fingertips as he stretches to reach it from his bed._

_Kendall scrambles out of bed, grabbing the no longer elusive electronic device and answers slightly breathlessly, “Hello?”_

_“I know it’s not tomorrow, but I couldn’t wait.”_

_“James.” Kendall smiles. “Before we go any further, are you alone?” Kendall doesn’t want this conversation to be like the last one._

_“Yep. I’m standing in my own apartment. All by myself. No one else here but me.”_

_Kendall thinks James sounds proud about being by himself, but it’s not he only thing he heard. “You’re living alone? You okay with that?”_

_“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be? I was practically doing it in Minnesota, so this really isn’t any different.”_

_Kendall wants to argue, tell James that he ended up spending twice as many nights at Kendall’s home rather than his own, but he doesn’t want to burst James’ bubble. He changes the direction of the conversation instead. “So_ where _do you live?”_

_“The Palmwoods. Home of the future famous.” The grin in James’ voice is unmistakable. “I’m in apartment 4T. The girl next door is a method actress named Camille. Her greeting was a slap across the face.”_

_“Ouch.” Kendall rubs his own jaw in sympathy. “Steer clear of her if you like your face the way it is. Who else did you meet?”_

_Kendall listens as James recounts being introduced to the angry hotel manager- appropriately named Mr. Bitters, a trio of girls all named Jennifer, and a longhaired guy who plays guitar nicknamed Guitar Dude._

_He tells Kendall about his unfortunate meeting with the marketing team and how he was styled in several outfits, all of which he liked, but were vetoed by Gustavo before he was thrust into a dance audition with a choreographer, the unfortunately named, Mr. X._

_“After I finished dancing, he told me I was serious but not great,” James laughs. “I’ll show him great.”_

_“I bet-” Kendall interrupts himself with a yawn and then finishes his thought. “You will.”_

_“Shit, I forgot about the time difference. How long have we’ve been talking?”_

_Kendall peers at the running call time on his phone’s display. “Fifty-four minutes and counting.”_

_“I’ll let you go then. When I call you tomorrow, I’ll try for a little earlier, okay?”_

_Kendall doesn’t make him promise, although he desperately wants to. “Sounds good. Be careful out there and stay away from Camille!”_

_“I miss you, Kendall. I miss all of you already. How am I going to do this?”_

_Kendall rubs his free hand over his face. “We’re just a phone call away. Take things one day at a time. Make the most of this opportunity and go big time.”_

* * *

Kendall spends the following week tamping down Carlos’ building excitement (and his own if he was being honest with himself, which he is not), trying to pay attention to his teachers as girls beg for his- if only to ask about James, and eating every snickerdoodle his mom dares to make.

The snickerdoodles don’t solve anything except the problem Kendall was having with a loose waist on the whole two pairs of pants he owns. 

He shovels Mrs. Majakowski out every day, waving off the others when they swing by to help. 

Before he’s fully aware, it’s December twenty-second and he’s being prodded into returning to the scene of the crime.

* * *

_Kendall spends another hour on the phone with James Sunday night. It doesn’t faze him in the slightest that he’s the one calling James._

_This time, it’s Kendall who does nearly all the talking and James seems to be content with that- like he takes as much pleasure out of hearing Kendall’s voice as Kendall does James._

_The following nights stick to this pattern. One night James calls and speaks about how his classes are going at The Palmwoods’ school (Surprise! He still has to be schooled.), what recording is really like for Gustavo Rocque, and how L.A. is just way too crowded, and Kendall listens, interjecting with the odd question here and there. The next night Kendall calls and fills James in on all the goings-on of their classes and classmates as well as the hockey team._

_The one thing they don’t speak about is what happened right before James left Minnesota._

_On the fifth day, James is yawning loudly when Kendall answers his phone. The narrative of his day is brutally short. “Mr. X worked me ‘x-tra’ hard today and Gustavo wants me back at the studio at nine; I’ll be meeting Griffin. Apparently, this guy is the CEO of all our butts, whatever that means. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”_

_“Goodnight, James.” They’re the only words Kendall speaks to James that night._

_“Bye, Kendall.”_

_Kendall unsuccessfully tries to not feel cheated by what turned out to be a tremendous waste of his time. The phone call lasted less than a minute and its information could have been conveyed in a text message._ We talk to each other every day, _he reasons_. There are going to be days when one of us is too tired for an hour of inane conversation. At least we’re speaking every day and I still get to hear his voice.

_The next day, proves to be a horrendous one for Kendall. He flunked his algebra quiz, Carlos was on mute the whole day and wouldn’t tell him or Logan why, and the cherry on top of this fantastic sundae of crap- they had their first hockey game without James. Against Duluth East._

_Of course they lost. Badly._

_The one bright spot, the one thing that’s kept Kendall from declaring the day a complete bust, is his nightly phone call with James._

_Kendall carefully plans what he’s going to tell James about the test, their friend and the hockey game, not wanting to say just how awful the team (and Kendall’s life in general) is without him and can’t he please come back already?, while he pushes the contact button for James._

_The phone rings and rings and rings._

_Kendall’s confused. It’s their appointed call time and James is more or less surgically attached to his phone, so why isn’t he answering it?_

_James’ outgoing message picks up after the tenth ring and Kendall realizes he’s never heard it before, but he doubts it sounded like this: **Hey, you’ve reached James. Or not, because this is my voicemail. Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you once I’m done having fun in L.A.- which will be NEVER!**_

_The beep sounds, but Kendall’s too flabbergasted to speak. Who the hell is that guy? A few seconds go by before Kendall remembers to disconnect the call._

_He didn’t leave a message, but James should see that there’s a missed call from him. Kendall lies down on his bed and places his phone on his chest. James should call him back within minutes because it’s not like he forgot about Kendall. Right?_

Kendall wakes the next day, the phone still laying on his chest exactly where he left it the night before. Cautiously, Kendall picks it up like if he moves too quickly, it’ll explode. He flips it open and there are no messages, no missed calls, no texts. __

_Nothing._

_While it angers Kendall, he tries not to read anything into the situation. James’ phone probably died and when they speak later, James will apologize profusely._

_Kendall’s in the middle of Mr. Tracy’s boring social studies lecture when he feels his phone vibrate against his leg. He covertly yanks it out of his pocket to find a text message from James. **Can’t talk tonight, gonna be stuck in the recording booth!**_

Thanks for ignoring me last night _, he thinks. Kendall shoves the phone back where it came and holds onto his anger._

_He’s still stewing in it when lunch rolls around and he snaps at Carlos for being uncharacteristically silent, which only makes Carlos withdraw further. Logan shoots Kendall a disapproving look and Kendall apologizes to them both. Carlos quietly forgives him, but he does not go back to being the happy, bubbly boy that he once was._

_Inside Kendall fumes. He doesn’t know who he’s angrier at- James for leaving and causing this mess or himself for talking James into leaving when James had expressed doubts._

_\--_

_The following days have Kendall ready to tear his hair out. Nothing is going right, Logan’s been giving him this weird look he doesn’t want to decipher; Carlos has started talking again but he’s shit on the ice, letting all the pucks aimed at him get into the net; the snow has picked up in its intensity and it’s officially winter by Minnesota standards; and he’s been unable to reach James through any means of contact._

_Kendall even broke down and used Scuttlebutter- I need your help, call me!! he wrote- getting no response. Kendall’s never felt so lost in his life._

_He’s tired of trying and getting nowhere. Of only knowing James is alive because his mother keeps gushing to Kendall’s mother about how great James is doing in L.A. when they cross paths in the market._

_Kendall doesn’t consider it giving up on James when James clearly gave up on him first._

_And still he keeps trying._

* * *

Brooke Diamond opens the door. “Jen, it’s great to see you! Come in out of that awful snow!”

Kendall waits for his mom to go inside before he does his best to stomp the snow out of his shoes prior to entering the gigantic house himself. He stands behind his mother for a several long seconds while she and Mrs. Diamond continue to converse about the bread they’d brought with them, looking around at the foyer. 

Nothing seems to have changed, he notes. Décor-wise, anyway. 

“Kendall, the other boys are inside already. Why don’t you three go up to James’ room and play video games while the adults mingle?”

Kendall stares at Brooke like she suggested he find Logan and Carlos and go jump off the roof. “Um, if it’s okay with you, Mrs. Diamond, I’d rather stay down here. I’m sure Carlos and Logan feel the same way.”

Brooke nods to the maid at her side, gesturing for her to collect the Knights’ outerwear. “If you guys get bored, feel free to wander up there. Hors d’oeuvres are circulating in the living room and dinner will be served at seven.”

Kendall steps around his mom, intent on finding the other two when he is stopped by Brooke’s voice. “Kendall? It’s good to see you too. Things aren’t the same without James.” 

As Kendall turns to face her, he finds that Brooke is already advancing on him, arms outstretched, sweeping him into a hug. Thankfully it only lasts for a few seconds before she releases him with a ‘Merry Christmas’ and goes back to her hosting and greeting duties when the doorbell rings.

The living room is mostly full. Kendall scans the crowd for his friends and figures that he’ll make one lap of the room before he gives up. He starts at the bar, grabbing some peanuts from a bowl atop it and swallowing them down quickly. A passing waiter offers crackers and cheese, of which Kendall takes two. 

He munches on the appetizers as he walks the room’s periphery, bits and pieces of the conversations around him floating through his consciousness. Kendall stops, almost choking on his cracker when Brooke’s voice cuts through the surrounding noise. “It’s too bad that James won’t be coming home. Christmas won’t be the same without him.”

Kendall jerks his head in her direction, and finally locates his best friends…standing next to the bad news messenger. Their faces look like his feels- shocked beyond belief. He begins cutting a path through the growing partygoers, ears carefully tuned towards the horrific conversation taking place among Logan, Carlos and Brooke Diamond. 

“But he texted us last week to say he was!”

“Things changed, Carlos. Kelly called yesterday morning to say that Griffin is keeping everyone in L.A. to work through the holiday. I swear that man thinks money is more important more than I do!”

Kendall is at Logan’s side by the end of Brooke’s exclamation, so he asks, “Why haven’t we heard this from James?”

Brooke’s enraged expression softens marginally when she faces Kendall. “I don’t know. He might be holding out hope that he’ll still be able to make it. Kelly verified that wasn’t going to be happening. James is in L.A. with no chance of him coming back, short of being fired or quitting, and I will be going to visit him after the new year to give that Arthur Griffin a piece of my mind.”

Kendall glances at Carlos’ crestfallen face and Logan’s grim one and tells her, “I think we’ll head upstairs now.”

Kendall wraps an arm each around Carlos and Logan’s shoulders and guides them through the throng of neighbors and Brooke’s business associates mingling, and up the stairs to the last door on the left- James’ bedroom. 

The three of them silently stare at James’ closed bedroom door. 

Kendall doesn’t know what the others are thinking, but he’s irrationally wishing Brooke’s pulling a prank on them, payback for all the years of Lord Prankerton, and that James is waiting on the other side of the door for it to open so he can jump out and yell ‘Surprise’.

In the end, it’s Logan who reaches out and turns the knob. The room laid out before them once the door swings open is dismally empty. “Did he take everything but the furniture?”

Kendall can’t stand there anymore, but can’t bring himself to cross the threshold. “He left all that we need. The game console is under the bed, I can see it from here. The box holding the games and controllers is next to it. The television is still in the corner. Get us set up and I’ll be right back.”

Kendall turns back towards the stairs and passes them by. The second door is his target; Kendall’s relieved to find the bathroom empty. He flips on the light and closes the door. 

He yanks his phone out of his pants with such ferocity that he stops and peers at himself in the mirror. The pause in his actions only ramps up his anger. He takes several deep breaths and pulls up his text messages. 

James’ last text received stares up at him. 

James, of all people, should know that Kendall doesn’t taken broken promises lightly. _Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me,_ he thinks. _You won’t be doing_ that _again, James_. 

Kendall deletes the mocking message, then James’ contact information completely. He takes it one step further by programming his phone to block James’ number. 

Kendall slides his phone back into his pocket and exits the bathroom. He briefly considers escaping the house while the others are all occupied, but the thought of his best friends already being hurt enough tonight keeps him from leaving. 

He stands in the doorway, watching Logan quietly comfort Carlos. If Carlos’ expression is anything to go by, Logan’s not doing a great job. Time for a distraction.

“I better be the one playing with the silver controller.”

* * *

_The first time Kendall sees any mention of James on the internet, there’s a photo. And a girl. There’s a photo of him with a pretty blonde girl. They’re holding hands and posing on a red carpet just like any other celebrity couple does- happy to be there, happy to be with each other. Kendall’s heart drops into his stomach._

_According to the photo’s caption, her name is Jo Taylor and they’re at her record launch party._

_Kendall scowls at the picture. “Are you the one eating up all his time?” he asks it. “Couldn’t you let him have five minutes to return calls to his best friends who haven’t heard from him in weeks?” He’s thinking about Carlos and Logan when he says this, especially Carlos._

_Ever since James’ departure, Carlos’ zest for life has dimmed considerably. Logan seems to be mostly the same, but Kendall knows that’s because of the foursome, it’s always been him and Logan against Carlos and James._

_Until recently._

_James has been MIA on the contact front with Kendall since nearly the beginning so Kendall just assumed that it was that way all around with everybody. Maybe that hasn’t been the case._

_Kendall decides to reevaluate James in a slightly less harsh light._

_He scrutinizes James’ face and decides that he looks pleased. It makes Kendall feel proud for a moment, like despite all the non-contact that’s been had with James lately, he’s where he should be- out in L.A. with all the other stars, shining as brightly as only a diamond can._

_Kendall clicks on the link of Jo Taylor’s name and gets assaulted with a dozen or so pictures of her and James among the many articles proclaiming her to be the next big thing. Kendall studies each one._

_Most are taken by paparazzi and they, by far, do the most damage to Kendall’s already wounded soul. Pictures of them shopping together, stepping out of a movie theater, having a meal on the patio of some trendy restaurant._

_Their bodies are always close and James is smiling at her in each and every one._

_Before Kendall can stop himself, he’s across his bedroom, grabbing his phone, which he had left on the bed. He viciously punches the redial button once it’s open and waits impatiently while the phone on the other end goes unanswered._

_James’ voicemail picks up after ten obnoxious rings. Kendall yells out his frustration and pushes the call end button as the outgoing message ends. He counts to seven and hits the redial button again._

_Again, the phone is forwarded to voicemail._

_Kendall keeps his message short and sweet. “Don’t expect to hear from me anymore because I don’t hear from you. It’s over.”_

_It takes a few hours, but James’ contact with Kendall is renewed via text messages. Many text messages with a few call attempts sprinkled in._

_Too bad Kendall’s no longer interested._

* * *

It takes several days to get over James’ latest betrayal, and then Kendall slides back into the winter monotony of studying for midterms, playing hockey horribly, and shoveling lots and lots of snow. 

The rut gets busted one day smack in the middle of January when Logan corners Kendall in the school hallway. The move is so unlike Logan that Kendall’s eyebrows find themselves meeting his hairline. 

“Come to my house after school. Come alone,” Logan instructs.

Kendall swings his head around to see if Logan is talking to anyone other than himself- no one else appears to be paying attention to the two hockey heads near the science lab. “Are you talking to me?”

Logan’s brown eyes roll so far up into his head, Kendall fears for a moment they may never return, but hey, look, there they are!

“Of course I’m talking to you, dumbass. Who else would I be talking to?”

Kendall shrugs. “The redhead from social studies? I don’t know.” 

Logan’s eyes disappear again. “First off, there’s no redhead in my social studies class. Secondly, just be there!” 

Kendall watches as Logan stalks off towards his honors English class, curious to find out what has his best friend in a tizzy. The bell rings, snapping Kendall out of his thoughts, and he heads for his study hall, unconcerned about his tardiness. 

Coach DeFlippi is the monitor.

\--

Four periods and one lunch later, Kendall is standing on the Mitchells’ front porch beside Logan. “Wanna tell me why we’re here?” he asks as Logan fiddles with the key to the house. 

“You’ll know soon enough,” is Logan’s enigmatic reply.

Kendall’s at the end of his rope and just wants to go home and be by himself. “Will you cut the cloak and dagger bullshit? Why am I here?”

“Just come inside. Please.” Logan finally pushes the door open and steps through. “You coming?”

Kendall follows reluctantly and slams the door behind him, displaying his displeasure. He hears Logan’s voice come from further inside the house call out, “Leave the door attached! Mom will be pissed if she has to replace it, _again_.”

Kendall leaves his backpack by the door and walks into the living room, dropping down onto the couch. He closes his eyes only to open them mere seconds later when James’ melodic voice makes its way to Kendall’s ears.

“ **Get a call on a random afternoon. I pick it up and I see that it’s you. Like my heart, you were breaking the news; you say, it’s over, it’s over, it’s over.** ”

Kendall feels time slow down. He can’t believe James took that moment and put it into a song. The song’s volume increases as Logan walks with his laptop over to where Kendall is standing.

“ **Dance hard, laugh more, turn the music up now. Party like a rock star, can I get a what now? I swear I’ll do anything that I have to- ‘til I forget about you.** ”

‘Til I forget about you. Hadn’t James already forgotten about him by dating the blonde?

“The song’s appropriately titled ‘’Til I Forget About You”,” Logan chuckles before he continues. “James sent it to me last night because he knows the file would have crashed yours and Carlos’ computers. It’s his first single. I wanted to tell you about it at school, but considering girls still come up to us and ask about James _every day_ , I didn’t want another reason for us to be hounded unnecessarily.”

Maybe he hadn’t, but he sure wanted to now.

“Kendall? Are you okay? I thought you might-” Logan probably would have said more, if Kendall hadn’t shut him up by kissing him. 

It was a gamble to make such a move, but Kendall’s been aware of how Logan had been looking at him for almost a year, shooting him longing glances when he thought the blond wasn’t paying attention. Kendall began to see Logan in a different light that split-second it took to realize James was _not_ missing him.

“What about James?” asks Logan as soon as Kendall allows him to come up for air. 

Kendall groans. “He’s not here. Don’t you like kissing me?” He lets Logan’s blush answer for the shorter boy and dives back in to resume kissing him.

If James wanted to forget about Kendall, then Kendall would sure as hell forget about James.

\--

A week later, Kendall spends the walk home running through plays that can be used during the next hockey game. If the team is going to make it to the playoffs, they’re going to have to step it up a notch, and Tinkler is not cutting it. 

_He’s nearly as accident-prone as his sister_ , he muses. _I don’t know what to do with him other than bench him. Maybe he can tend goal and I could use Carlos on offense?_

Kendall enters his home and is grateful for the amount of quiet that consumes him. Katie and his mother will be home soon enough, in the mean time, he might be able to figure out how to make his team good enough to see themselves halfway through the playoffs. He knows that they won’t make it to the state championships, not without James. 

The team’s last dozen games have proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt. 

_I wish James were he-_ , Kendall shuts down that thought as fast as he can. _No use in yearning for something I can’t have._

Kendall pushes the hockey issues into the recesses of his mind and sits down at the kitchen table with his homework. He manages to finish the assigned work for two subjects before he’s interrupted by his family returning home. 

“Hi, honey. How was school?”

Kendall smiles up at his mom as she strides by on her way to the refrigerator. “It was okay. Same stuff, different day. Still having issues with finding the right way to structure the hockey team so we can play at peak performance again.” He sighs. “And algebra is kicking my butt right now. I’m gonna go call Logan to see if he has time to help me after dinner.”

Kendall tilts his head to confirm that Katie is up in her room before he makes his way to the living room. He grabs the cordless phone off its base on the end table and hits the third button down on speed dial. The phone rings four times and then the voicemail picks up. Instead of leaving a message on the Mitchell house phone, Kendall hangs up and calls Logan’s cell. 

It rings twice before Logan answers. “Algebra killing you again?”

Kendall hears Carlos snicker in the background. “I don’t know why he’s laughing; it’s not like he gets it either.”

“Yeah, but we’ve been working on it. I think he might understand it better than you at this point.”

Kendall places a hand on his forehead, attempting to thwart the headache brewing just beneath its surface. “Do you have time to spare for me later? If I don’t get a grip on this shit soon, my grade will slip and then hockey will be in jeopardy.”

Kendall’s waiting for Logan’s response when the doorbell rings. 

“Kendall, could you get that please? I have my hands in the meat and your sister is upstairs.”

Kendall tips the mouthpiece away from his face and calls back, “Sure thing, Mom.” 

Righting the phone as he goes to the door, he pleads with Logan. “I know you’re busy doing your homework plus helping Carlos, but I really need your help too.”

He hears Logan laugh. “It’s fine, Kendall. It used to be much worse when-”

The rest of Logan’s acceptance fades out when Kendall yanks the door open and sees a figure huddling on his step, shivering from the winter winds blowing around his inappropriately dressed body. “James?”

“-that’s what I was saying. It was so much worse when James was here and I had- wait. You said his name.”

“I’m home, Kendall.”

Kendall stares at James, cataloging the small differences between the last time they were together and now. His skin has taken on a golden hue and his hair ever so slightly longer, but other than that, he looks remarkably the same. He hears Logan yelling through the phone, which is now dangling in his hand at his side, “James is there?”

Carlos’ voice comes ringing out next, just as loud as if he were standing beside Kendall instead of being on the other end of the phone line. “James is back! Why didn’t he tell us? When does he return to L.A.?!”

Kendall watches James flinch at Carlos’ words and decides to add a few of his own. “Why are you here? You’re a month late; Christmas is in December.” Kendall folds his arms after stuffing the phone in his shirt pocket and glares at James’ ever-shrinking figure. “Well?”

The words coming from James are so quiet, the wind nearly takes them away. “I screwed up.”

“You sure did.”

And with that, Kendall slams the door in James face, and races to his room. 

“Kendall?”

Kendall jumps when he hears Logan’s voice. A quick look around doesn’t produce his friend and it’s only then that he remembers that the cordless phone from downstairs is in his pocket and the call is still connected. He brings it back to his ear and asks, “So after dinner works for you, right? I mean-”

“Yes, Kendall. See you at six.”

\--

Kendall escapes through the back door after he’s done the dishes and keeps his eyes trained on the ground just far enough in front of himself to avoid colliding with anything as he speed walks to Logan’s house two streets over. 

Icy gusts of wind swirl around him as he goes. 

After a particularly harsh blast of air ruffles through his hair, Kendall feels the short ones on the back of his neck stand at attention. Sensing that this reaction is due to something more than the wind, Kendall pauses on the sidewalk and raises his eyes long enough to thoroughly scan his surroundings. His observations yield nothing out of the ordinary, but Kendall still feels mildly uneasy.

He chalks it up to the bombshell of the day and continues his quickly paced amble towards his goal.

It isn’t until he’s rushing through Logan’s front door and he sees Logan’s annoyed face that Kendall remembers he didn’t bring his book or any sort of notebook. He’s beyond caring about school right now, he simply needs to stop the hurting, the bleeding that began again the instant he saw James.

Kendall kicks the door closed hard and stalks across the room towards Logan. He can tell that Logan’s winding up to remind him to be more careful with the door when just like the first time, Kendall shuts Logan up by fusing their mouths together as soon as he reaches the brunet. 

The sound of the door opening behind him doesn’t surprise Kendall as much as it should. He feels Logan stiffen almost immediately and attempt to shove Kendall away, but Kendall holds onto Logan, clinging to him like he’s the only piece of flotsam keeping him afloat in the abyss that has become his life. 

He does lift his head, however, and sees that Logan is looking over Kendall’s shoulder. His brown eyes are wide and shining with something akin to fear, but Logan remains where he is instead of shrinking behind Kendall.

Kendall’s still not ready to face the intruder, but he’s going to have to at some point. It may as well be now. Kendall takes a deep breath, leans forward and kisses Logan gently on his lips before he lets his hands drop from Logan’s arms and turns around.

And finds Carlos standing just inside the entrance, door still wide open, jaw hanging so low it might as well be coming unhinged.

“As I was about to tell you before you attacked me, I told Carlos to come over so I could go over algebra with both of you since he couldn’t contain his excitement over James’ apparent return,” Kendall hears Logan quietly inform him.

Kendall watches Carlos snap back to life. “Are you two together? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Kendall opens his mouth to feed Carlos some bullshit excuse when Logan beats him to the punch. “Kendall and I are not together and we will never be together. We are best friends, nothing more. Kendall just made a mistake he won’t ever be repeating again, right Kendall?”

Kendall peers over his shoulder and sees that Logan is wearing his stern face. “Right,” he echoes back at Logan. “I’m sorry,” he mouths.

Logan shrugs and then lays out the tutoring plan for the night. “Kendall, since you didn’t bring your book with you, you get to share with Carlos. I’ll grab some paper and pencils while you two go sit in the dining room. We’ll be going over….”

\--

Kendall’s aware of the buzz going around the school the next morning. 

He has yet to see the subject of all the excited gossip, but Kendall knows he’s around somewhere. 

“You do realize that he’ll most likely end up back in the same classes he was in before he left?”

Kendall peers down at Logan. “Thank you for that stunning observation, genius.”

Logan frowns. “I’m just pointing out that your avoidance tactic will only work so well when you’re stuck inside the same classroom.”

Kendall shrugs. “I’m not worried.” He glances across the hall into the administrative offices in time to see James and his mother step out of the principal’s office. The adults shake hands while James looks around. Eventually his eyes reach Kendall, and James starts to head for him. 

Logan glances over when the buzz turns into a dull roar. Every girl within the vicinity of James is trying to get his attention by any means necessary. They all shout questions at him, but he doesn’t answer or even acknowledge a single one. This seems to spur the girls on further and they start to crowd around him, making moving impossible.

Logan raises his eyebrows at the scene before him. 

Kendall just slides his arm around Logan’s shoulder and guides him down the now clear hallway in the opposite direction. “And that’s why I’m not worried.”

Logan shrugs Kendall’s arm off of him, glaring at the blond as he does so. “It won’t last forever, so you better fix it before you almost ruin another friendship. At the rate you’re going, you’ll be lucky to count Carlos as a friend.”

“I thought-” Kendall sputters. “I thought things were okay between us.”

Logan stares ahead as he answers. “It’ll take some time, but they will be. Just stop touching me for the time being, alright?”

Kendall nods as Logan strides away. Why do you always fuck things up? the voice in his head wants to know. “I wish I knew,” he tells it.

\--

“Welcome back, Mr. Diamond. I trust you remember where your seat is? We’ll be talking about the upcoming frog dissection today. Kendall can help you catch up.”

Kendall silently curses Mr. Girard for not assigning him a new partner when James left for L.A.. Now he’s incapable of hiding from the boy walking his way, unless…. Kendall raises his hand. “Mr. Girard, my stomach hurts really badly. Can I have a pass to the nurse?”

The biology teacher sighs, but walks to his desk and grabs the pass pad, scribbling out a quick ‘get out of jail free’ card for Kendall. 

Kendall scoots around the other side of the two-person desk after grabbing his bag, avoiding James as he goes to get his pass.

As Kendall leaves the room and closes the door behind him, he hears Mr. Girard say, “Well James, it looks like you get to partner up with Jenny today!”

Kendall rushes away from the door because he’s laughing so hard that Mr. Girard might step out of his classroom and rescind Kendall’s pass. 

Kendall makes his way to the nurse and continues his almost-bluff through the current period and the next one, which happens to be the lunch period. The thought of returning to class and seeing the hurt in James’ eyes does make Kendall’s stomach ache, but Kendall’s anger remains stronger.

The nurse kicks him out of her office at the start of sixth period.

Kendall walks to his study hall slowly, keeping his eyes peeled for any James-sneak attacks. He makes it there as the warning bell rings and goes directly for his seat in the back corner by the window. 

It isn’t until he’s practically upon the desk that Kendall notices that someone is currently taking up space at it. The person has their head down on the desk in their arms, but Kendall would recognize that head of hair anywhere, much to his chagrin.

Kendall backs away slowly, not wanting to disturb James and make a clean getaway- or at least make it to the other side of the room- when the coach barks out, “Grab a seat, Knight!” 

James’ head flies up and Kendall trips over his own feet in his haste, landing sideways in the seat of the desk in front of James. Kendall swings so he’s facing forward, acutely aware that as much as DeFlippi likes him, he runs his study hall with an iron fist.

Kendall learned that last week when the coach held him after the period ended and berated Kendall for showing up late, which meant he showed up to seventh period late, but whatever.

“Carlos hugged me so hard I think he might have busted a rib.” James keeps his voice low.

Kendall wants to inform James of the unlikelihood of him having a broken rib right now, but he keeps silent.

“Logan told me he played the song for you. What did you think of it?”

Kendall glances at DeFlippi, wondering why he isn’t going postal on James for breaking the no talking rule. It’s not like he can’t hear James, the man has ears like a bat, except he appears to be none the wiser about what’s happening in the back of the classroom.

Still, Kendall says nothing.

“Why won’t you talk to me? I’m sorry I broke a promise. Gustavo said I could come home for Christmas and then four days before the holiday, Griffin showed up and demanded that I stay because he’d spent too much money on me for me to have a ‘vacation’ already. I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want you to hate me for not keeping my promise. Especially after Thanksgiving failed to happen.”

Kendall can feel his anger flowing and ebbing like a tide. The more James speaks, the more Kendall wants to hit something to release his pent-up rage.

“Knight!”

Kendall whips his gaze to the front of the room. “Yes, Coach?”

“Move up two seats. Diamond’s yakking is giving me a headache.”

Kendall gratefully moves to where the coach wants and put his head down on his new desk. _Only one more period to go_ , he thinks. _Logan and Carlos will be there and Phelan won’t have James anywhere near me. I_ can _get through this._

His body’s worn out from all the inner turmoil that’s been going on. Kendall closes his eyes and lightly dozes. 

He’s awakened by a slight shake of his arm and when he lifts his head, he sees James and smiles. It dies seconds later when Kendall’s brain catches up and he remembers that James left, didn’t keep any of his promises, and, oh yeah, dated a girl in L.A., all while Kendall fell apart but had to hold everything else together.

“Let’s go, dude. Phelan will be pissed if we’re late.”

Kendall finds himself nodding. 

He stands and silently follows James out of the classroom, up the nearby staircase to the second floor and they make it to their math teacher’s classroom with seconds to spare. 

Kendall steps around James, heading for his seat in the back. He can feel both Carlos and Logan’s eyes on him, but Kendall won’t look at either of them. 

He and James may have arrived together; however, it means nothing. 

Kendall sits down and busies himself with finding his graphing calculator at the bottom of his backpack while waiting for Mrs. Phelan to begin teaching about parabolas. 

“Well, James. It looks like you’ll be sitting in front of Kendall. You will remain facing forward at all times or you will have detention for a week. Do I make myself clear?”

Kendall wants to be shocked at the teacher’s words, except in a day where he and James keep being thrown together, he isn’t. 

Plus, after James left for L.A., Mrs. Phelan gave James’ seat to the kid who arrived from Chicago a week later- Christian something-or-other. Kendall didn’t focus on him too much, Christian appeared to like shopping more than sports like hockey so there was no point in Kendall stalking him in the name of attempting to recruit Christian for the team.

The hockey team, that is.

“So who’s the new kid?”

Kendall shakes his head minutely before he responds. “You.”

After that, James doesn’t ask any more questions.

\--

A note on the rink door states practice has been cancelled. 

Kendall ignores it in favor of getting some alone time on the ice, slapping on and lacing up his skates as quickly as possible. He throws out half a dozen pucks onto the ice before he skates out, stick in hand. 

Kendall blindly whacks at the pucks, working out his frustrations with each hit, not paying attention to anything around him except how good it feels to physically work out his anger. 

One particularly vicious swing has a puck ricocheting off the wall in front of him and careening towards the part of rink behind Kendall. 

“The ref would call you for high-sticking.”

Kendall doesn’t bother to deny the charge as it’s true- he did swing his stick above the goal’s cross bar- before he turns. “Yeah, so what? I’m the only one out here.”

Logan shakes his head. “Not anymore,” he says as he steps onto the ice, Carlos following right behind. 

Kendall watches as Carlos turns back, appearing to speak to someone just outside Kendall’s field of vision. Carlos looks peeved when he skates over to Kendall alone.

“He thinks you don’t want him here.”

Kendall doesn’t have to ask who Carlos is referring to. He raises his voice to make sure it carries to its intended target. “He’s right.”

The thunderous look on Logan’s face has Kendall worrying that he might be on the wrong end of high-sticking in the near future, so after a pregnant pause, Kendall continues, “But when has that stopped him? Get your ass out here, James. And don’t expect me to treat you with kid gloves just because you’ve been off the ice for almost three months.”

When James doesn’t come into view, Logan skates back to the rink’s entrance with Carlos, and Kendall rolls his eyes at the antics of his friends while he practices his slap shot. 

The first five pucks make it into or near the goal but Kendall’s forced to retrieve the last one since it still sits on the far side of the rink by the other guys. Kendall almost calls out to have one of them wing it down his way, but decides at the last minute to get it himself.

The moment he skates to where the puck is, the conversation among the three stops and Kendall’s anger returns full-force. He races over and gets into James’ face, consequences be damned. “I’m leaving. Do what you want; you always do.”

Kendall leaves the pucks behind in his haste to get away. His skates are off in a flash and the stick is tucked into his bag before the others can say ‘boo’. He stalks his way into the locker room, looking for Coach DeFlippi, forgetting in the heat of the moment that the coach had cancelled practice, meaning he probably was no longer on the school’s premises. 

The office just inside the locker room is dark and empty. 

Kendall drops the bag from his shoulder and punches a locker. The pain radiates through the knuckles as he flexes his fingers, and while it hurts and is starting to swell, he’s reasonably sure that he hasn’t broken anything.

“You should let Logan look at that.”

Kendall keeps his eyes on his hand. “Yeah well, you’ll have to excuse me if I don’t take advice from the guy whose voicemail stated ‘Leave me a message and I’ll get back to you once I’m done having fun in L.A.’. You’re not in L.A. anymore, James. Have you started returning those calls yet? I bet not. You’ve been too busy moping that you failed at your dream to do anything that involves people other than _yourself_.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, Kendall.”

Now Kendall swings his gaze up to James’ face, eyes blazing hot. “And whose fault is that? Because it certainly isn’t mine.”

“You stopped contacting me! I tried calling you and I tried texting you!”

Kendall can feel the itch to hit something building in his fist again. “After I called you and told you I was done with all of the bullshit. Thanks for immortalizing that in a song, by the way. It was _so damn wonderful_. Just like finding out _from the internet_ that you and Jo Taylor have been dating.”

James drops down onto the bench behind him. “We’re not dating.”

“Told her you couldn’t do the long distance thing, huh? What a surprise. At least _she_ caught a break there. You told her that before you left, right? You didn’t beg _her_ to not give up on you, did you? Because I can tell her from experience that it’s like a knife to the gut when James Diamond gives up on _you_.”

Kendall starts to make his way to the locker room’s door, but James grabs his right arm as Kendall attempts to get by. “You have no clue about anything,” he growls at Kendall.

Kendall levels his angriest glare to date at James. “You will let me go unless you want two black eyes.”

“I’m not letting you go until you listen to me!”

“I warned you.” Kendall swings his free, non-injured fist at James only to have it be captured and then his whole body is tackled to the ground. Kendall manages to get both arms free in the tussle, but now it’s a complete free-for-all between him and James as they wrestle for the upper hand. 

“Listen to me! There’s nothing going on with Jo! There never was! Griffin had me escort her to a few industry-related parties so our faces would get out there and that was it!”

The lie renews Kendall’s fire. “Liar! I wouldn’t call a movie date or lunch an ‘industry-related party’!” He aims his balled-up fist for James’ nose, but James manages to dodge it rather easily. “Hold still! I can’t hit you with you moving like that!”

“I don’t want to be hit!” James grabs both of Kendall’s wrists, pinning them to the floor around Kendall’s head as he straddles his torso. Kendall continues thrashing, trying to upset James’ balance enough to wriggle loose. “I’ve done nothing wrong when it comes to her. My only crime here was spending so much time with her because she reminded me of you!”

Kendall stops all movement and stares up at James. “She what now?”

James rolls his eyes. “You saw pictures of her, right? You had to have if you’re yelling at me about things that aren’t what you think they are; didn’t you see it?”

Kendall goes back to struggling for a brief moment, but James doesn’t budge at all. “See what? You smiling all goofily at her like a lovesick moron? Yes, I saw those!”

James speaks calmly, softly, as if he can’t do anymore shouting, “Then you should have seen her blonde hair, crazy eyebrows and kind eyes. You could be brother and sister.” He leans down, putting his face inches away from Kendall’s own. “I smiled like a ‘lovesick moron’ as you so eloquently put it, because I spent most of my time with her talking about _you_.”

“I don’t believe you,” Kendall whispers, subdued by the change in the atmosphere around them. “If I meant anything to you, you would have been a better friend at the very least and tried to keep in touch with me.”

Kendall watches James divert his gaze to the lockers near them. Just as he’s about to buck up and dislodge James, James swings his eyes back to Kendall’s face. “I’m sorry about that. I’d like to make it up to you, if you’d let me.” James closes the distance between their mouths, and Kendall feels the tentative press of James’ lips; softer, less sure than the last time. 

The feeling running through his body is amazing and Kendall’s lips responds in kind when he feels James’ hands wander up from his wrists to his hands, fingers interlocking, forgiveness resting on the tip of his tongue, waiting to be taken by James as Kendall parts his lips.

“I’m telling you, Carlos, it’s been _minutes_ since we heard any shouting. They may have-”

Kendall jerks his head to the side, away from James, and peers over at Carlos and Logan, who are standing at the end of the locker room aisle, staring down at the tangled couple on the floor, mouths agape. “Go away,” he tells them.

Wordlessly, they follow his command.

Kendall waits for the sound of the door banging closed behind them, briefly wondering why he didn’t hear it when they came in, and then redirecting his eyes back to James. “We should get back out there. I was serious when I said I’m not going to be easy on you. Are you still up for that?”

James nods and climbs to his feet. “Bring it.” 

Kendall stands and heads for the door to the hallway, skates and bag in hand. He momentarily pauses at the door when he realizes James is not by his side. “You need to hurry up, pretty boy,” he calls out to James. “I’m not gonna stand around and wait for you anymore.”

James moves slightly faster after that, following close as they cross the hallway to the rink.

The grin Carlos sports when Kendall returns to the rink with James in tow is so wide, it threatens to split his face. “Alright! Let’s play some hockey!”

\--

Kendall keeps his promise and ends up checking James more than necessary, but every time he does it, James’ eyes get this amused glint in them, like he’s taunting Kendall to continue doing it.

So Kendall does.

Logan calls their game over when Kendall spends more time with James up against the boards than he does skating. “Kendall, stop trying to break James. It’s time to go home and get started on homework anyway. Carlos, you and James go ahead to the locker room. I gotta give Kendall the algebra assignment since I know he didn’t write it down.”

Kendall backs off of James and lets him skate by while he skates in tighter and tighter circles until he’s pretty much in one spot, spinning like a top. 

“You’re gonna make yourself puke if you keep that up.”

Kendall gradually slows to a stop, peering around to confirm that the other two are off of the ice. “If this is about earlier, you could clearly see I was _not_ the aggressor.”

Logan shakes his head. “It’s not. I’m actually giving you the algebra assignment because I won’t be able to help you tonight.”

Kendall notices that Logan is standing a fair distance away, not quite looking at him but rather near him. More backlash from one of his many fuck-ups. “I’ll muddle through it. You think you’ll be available tomorrow?”

Logan shrugs noncommittally. “Maybe. I’ll let you know.”

\--

When Kendall arrives home, he opens the door and finds Katie on the other side, smiling like the cat who swallowed the canary, and it piques his interest. “Why are you so happy? And why are you home so early?”

This afternoon’s events have his head spinning; anger and forgiveness warring for the same spot in Kendall’s heart, which is already conveniently marked ‘Property of James Diamond’, and Kendall’s not certain that either should win. He was looking forward to some time to decompress and refocus before he has to act as if everything in his world is great now that James has returned. 

Katie’s smile grows impossibly bigger. “You’ll see,” is her vague reply. “Mom, Kendall’s home!”

Kendall’s instinct is to flee, so he follows it. His hand is on the doorknob when his mother enters the living room. 

“Kendall Donald Knight, you go clean your room. James will be staying with us while Brooke is in Europe and his dad is on tour in Japan and he will not be sleeping on the couch, so don’t ask. I want your room to be neatened up now because between the two of you, it’ll be a pig sty again soon enough. Go,” she commands. She waits for him to actually make movement towards his room before she returns to the kitchen where dinner is waiting to be prepared.

Kendall can feel the hold on his sanity slipping as he trudges up the stairs.

He quietly does an about-face and creeps down the stairs and out the door while Katie is absorbed in the still-banned Fox channel.

He practically runs two houses down and pounds on Mrs. Majakowski’s door. “Mrs. M., it’s Kendall. Are you home? Please be home.” Kendall bounces on his heels as he impatiently waits. “Mrs. M.-” he starts again just as the door swings open.

“Kendall, dear, come in.” Surprisingly, her hands are devoid of food as she motions with them for him to enter. “I was in the kitchen putting away my groceries. Can you help me? Bending over at my age is like asking God to break your hip.”

Kendall nods. “Sure thing, Mrs. M.. Lead the way.” He closes the door and follows, not sure how to broach the subject that’s been giving him so many problems. He stays mum as she directs him where each item needs to go, which causes him to wonder aloud, “If you can’t put these away safely, how do you expect to get them back out again?” 

Mrs. Majakowski just smiles and pats his hand. “Don’t worry about that dear, you have bigger things on your mind. Let’s grab some cookies and have a chat in the living room. Now which would you prefer chocolate chip or sandwich?”

Kendall hesitates. “Ummm….”

She reaches around Kendall and retrieves the plate of cookies his mother made last week and brought her so he wouldn’t eat through the entire batch _again_. “How about you finish off the snickerdoodles?”

Kendall’s halfway through the first cookie by the time she finishes the question. She raises her eyebrows at him and all Kendall can do is shrug sheepishly and mumble, “Sorry” around his cookie.

He trails after her like a puppy, eyes glued to the cookie plate in her hand as they make their way back to the sitting area. As soon as Mrs. M. puts the plate down on the coffee table, Kendall’s already reaching for a second snickerdoodle.

“While you eat, let me tell you a story. When I was your age, I was dating an older boy. My parents hated it, thought he was too old for me, but we were in love and nothing could separate us. Except war. He got drafted and was sent to Alabama for basic training. Before he left, he swore he’d write me every day. For the first couple of weeks, I received a letter nearly every day, sometimes two a day. I would read them and try to imagine what life was like there at boot camp. From there, he shipped out and contact from him became sporadic, but it was there. As news of the war came back, my letters to him increased because I feared for his safety but his letters to me dwindled for the same reason. I would wait by the mailbox, hoping for some sort of missive, anything to let me know he was still alive. Eventually I got tired of the pitying looks from the postman and stopped waiting. I started dating a boy that my parents liked because he was my age, but I didn’t forget about my love for the boy in the war. Then one day, he came home and I didn’t know what to do.”

Kendall leaves his mouth empty long enough to ask, “Why?” before he shoves another cookie in it.

“Because I had no idea what he’d been through and was afraid to ask, so I avoided him. He was persistent and kept popping up wherever I was. After some time passed, we sat and talked about the awful things he’d seen and done, and how that didn’t change the way I viewed him. He was the great love of my life.”

“What happened to the other guy? The one your parents liked?”

Mrs. Majakowski smiles. “He married my younger sister.”

Kendall opens his mouth to ask another question when his cell rings. He peers at the caller id and it flashes MOM. “I’ll be right home, Mom,” he spits out as he answers. “I was putting away Mrs. M.’s groceries like I promised her I would.” He glances up at her and she just winks and mimes locking her lips and throwing away the key. “Yes, Mom. Room, clean it. I got it…No, I’m not talking back…Yes, ma’am. Leaving now.”

Kendall stands and makes his way to the door. “Thanks for the cookies. I’ll probably see you tomorrow.”

“Talk to him, Kendall, and really listen to what he says. It’s the only way you’re going to be able to move forward.”

\--

Kendall can see his mom standing in the kitchen window, watching him slowly make his way back to their home. She doesn’t look happy.

He enters the house and goes directly upstairs to his room without uttering a word. 

As he won’t be willingly sharing a bed with James, Kendall figures that the only thing that really needs cleaning is the floor. He stacks all the assorted glasses, flat- and dishware on his semi-clean desk after he takes the clothes littered on his desk and tosses them into the closet. Anything clothes-related on the floor, follows their desk counterparts into the closet, regardless of its state of cleanliness, and the remaining stuff gets shoved under his bed.

Kendall backs up into the bedroom’s doorway and surveys his handiwork. He’s about to head back downstairs since it’s almost dinnertime when the voice inside his head reminds him to return the kitchen stuff. He ends up making four trips due to the collection in his room, but it in the end, it all gets to the sink. Or around it anyway.

Kendall washes his hands and turns to sit at the table. His mom and sister sit there, mouths ajar. 

“Wow, we _do_ have more than three place settings. Guess who’s doing dishes tonight, big brother? Here’s a hint: not me.”

“Katie….” their mom says warningly.

“Mom! Who knows what’s been growing on those plates and flatware while it was up there? I refuse to touch them on the grounds that they’re a biohazard. Besides, why should I be punished?”

Mrs. Knight mumbles something like numbers underneath her breath before she speaks again. “You have been told that you’re not allowed to watch Fox, and yet you continue to do so- with me in the house!” She swings her gaze to her son. “And you ran away to Mrs. Majakowski’s instead of cleaning your room like I told you to earlier.”

Twin groans followed by a simultaneous rejoinder of “But Mom!” are ringing through the kitchen when the doorbell chimes.

Mrs. Knight stands. “You two will share dish duty. Nobody leaves the kitchen until all dishes are clean and put away- where they belong. Am I clear?”

Kendall nods sullenly as she goes to answer the door and then stares at the little bit of food left on his plate. He listens as his and James’ mother exchange pleasantries and the pertinent info about where she’ll be staying as well as the hotel phone numbers. 

“You better be nice to him.”

Kendall lifts his eyes to Katie’s face. “Why wouldn’t I be? He’s one of my best friends,” he lies, keeping up the party line. 

Judging from the expression Katie is currently wearing, he didn’t sell it very well. “You don’t know what happened out there. Don’t write him off due to some misguided attempt at justice. You weren’t exactly a saint either while he was gone.”

Kendall’s reeling from Katie’s statement when James enters the kitchen. “What the hell happened to your room, dude? I thought you believe life is too short to be neat?”

Kendall’s gaze strays from Katie’s face to the floor. “Some things change,” he tells James. “But that one didn’t. Mom forced me to clean so we wouldn’t be buried alive in there while you’re here.”

A small chuckle escapes from James’ mouth. “I figured. Now Mama Knight said that my dinner is…?”

“In the microwave,” Katie supplies. “Dinosaur nuggets and tots, just for you. Welcome home, James.”

Kendall watches James’s feet walk over to behind Katie’s chair and stop. Curious as to what’s happening, Kendall raises his head and sees James hugging Katie around her shoulders.

Warmth and jealously battle for domination within Kendall for the reigning emotion, but he doesn’t want any part of either. He rises from his seat and heads to the sink, intending to start doing the mountain of work he brought down. 

“Kendall, get James’ plate and keep him company while he eats. I got a system for doing the dishes that will blow right through them all and you’ll just be in the way.” She makes her way over to him. “And be nice!” she softly reminds him. “He’s gonna be here for awhile and I don’t need to be witnessing awkward moments between the two of you from day one.”

He walks to the microwave and extracts James’ plate. “I would’ve liked dino nuggets and tots too,” he grumbles to himself. 

“We could share,” the voice behind him replies. “After they do battle, that is.”

Kendall can feel two sets of eyes on him, waiting for his response. “No thanks. I just ate dinner. We had tuna noodle casserole.” He turns and sets James’ plate in front of him. Kendall drops into the chair furthest from James and pretends he doesn’t see the frown that action caused. He crosses his arms and stares intently at the back of his sister’s head instead.

“I know this is probably a sore subject, James, but how come you’re back? You went to live your dream and were making it happen. What changed?”

Kendall watches the myriad of emotions that fly over James’ face during Katie’s questions. _I don’t care_ , he tells himself.

James clears his throat. “Well, you see, Katie,” he starts, “I went out to California to make a demo and in the end, I guess it wasn’t what they were looking for because a band named Vampira got chosen instead of me. Four dudes who play guitar while dressed as vampires. Vampires. How long are they going to last? Until the new trend comes along, which will be any minute now.”

Kendall can hear Katie tsk-ing as she scrubs a particularly stubborn set-in stain. “I’m sorry that you didn’t get picked, James. Your voice is timeless and anyone with half an ear and a mind for business would know that. You could always go back and try again you know.”

James lets out a humorless laugh. “Not with the same producer I can’t. When I wasn’t picked, the ‘Amazing’ Gustavo Rocque was fired and he now works with his dad selling scooters. I don’t know of any others…except the one that Gustavo had this weird rivalry with. I think his name is Hawk. Not sure if that’s his first name or his last, but Gustavo cursed Hawk until he was blue in the face for stealing Jordin Sparks away from Rocque Records.”

Katie stacks the last dish in the drying rack and spins to face James. “How’d that happen?”

James grins at her as he answers. “Hawk sent Gustavo a live skunk and it sprayed the recording studio. The whole place stunk for weeks! I tried to tell him that some canned cat food and a box would be a great skunk trap but Gustavo refused to listen, saying a girl skunk puppet would work better. As we all know, it doesn’t.”

“That’s because we tried that too,” Kendall interjects. “Poor Logan. Thankfully he knew that a vinegar bath would stop that awful smell in its tracks.”

“And it didn’t kill his love of puppets.”

When Kendall finds himself smiling at James over the shared memory, he shakes his head. _It would be so easy to fall back into the roles we had_ , he thinks. _But things have changed. I don’t know what to do._

“What was school like?” he finds himself asking.

“It was close to being the worst school ever. Gustavo had a teacher giving me lessons in a storage closet at the studio. If that wasn’t bad enough, the teacher was an ex-boybander who would yell at me about how all my dreams would be smashed like his were.” James’ face crumbles. “He wasn’t wrong.”

 _You fucked up_ , Kendall’s brain supplies again. 

Looking to distract himself and the upset boy at the table, he says, “How about we go watch a movie?” He twists his head to ask Katie what she’d like to watch, probably _Varsity Vampire_ for like the fiftieth time, only to find that she’s slipped out of the room sometime during the small conversation about James’ schooling. 

“Sure,” James replies as he stifles a yawn. 

Kendall picks up James’ plate and brings it to the sink. The drain board full of dishes catches his eye. “Crap.”

“What?” 

“You go pick out a movie and get it set-up. I gotta put away all of this stuff or Mom will do something like ground me.” He grabs a towel and starts wiping down the partially damp dishes. He says nothing when James reaches for the second towel and begins doing the same. 

After they finish doing that and putting everything away, including the things James used, they fall onto the couch and stare at the black screen of the turned-off television. 

“You know, I fell onto the couch in my apartment once and the legs gave out completely on it.”

“What’d you do?”

“I complained to the manager, Bitters, and he told me that I should be happy with my apartment. Apparently, Baby Lace sawed off the legs because he thought the couch was trying to walk off. Lindsay Lohan threw up chocolate milk on the carpet and Shia LeBoeuf played soccer in the living room area and left a huge hole in the wall. Bitters told me that I should be happy to be living in a place that so many stars had been. So I tried to be.”

“It couldn’t all have been bad. Was it?”

“There wasn’t a lot of good. My first publicity photo shoot for Pop Tiger was fun. Marcos Del Posey took the picture. You know Marcos- he’s the guy who does all the 'Cuda ads.”

Kendall wouldn’t be able to pick this Del Posey guy out of a line up, but one key fact sticks out in Kendall’s mind. “The stuffy puppy guy?”

“Yeah! I went in, Gustavo said think of something funny and Marcos took the shot. I think it was supposed to go longer because Gustavo was shouting about expressions when the cop was dragging him away.”

Kendall’s confused. When did a cop enter the picture? “Say what now?”

“I guess Gustavo and Kelly, who claimed she was only the lookout, destroyed Matthew McConaughey’s mailbox. Matthew must be one of Gustavo’s next-door neighbors; he apparently played his bongos late into the night and it was keeping Gustavo awake. So in retaliation, Gustavo smashed his mailbox with a bat. I’d be pissed too if someone messed with my beauty sleep.” On cue, James yawns again. “I know it’s early, but can we go to bed now? I’m exhausted.”

Kendall’s feeling a little sleepy himself so he agrees. “Let’s go.”

They climb the stairs and head for Kendall’s bedroom. A sense of déjà vu fills Kendall with dread. “You’re on the floor,” he says to James to combat the feeling as they reach the top.

James just nods as if he didn’t expect anything different. “Let me grab my stuff and I’ll be in the bathroom.” He leans into Kendall’s room, seizing a bag- which he must have dropped just inside the door earlier- and heads off to do his nightly routine. 

Kendall enters his room, smacking the light switch on as he goes, and rapidly strips, leaving his undershirt and boxers on before he slides between the sheets. He’s almost comfortable when he remembers that since he relegated James to floor status, it means Kendall’s going to have to find more blankets and an extra pillow. All of which will tip off the house’s other occupants that something is amiss between the two boys. 

Kendall struggles with trying to decide which uncomfortable situation will be easier to bear- having James close while things are unresolved between them, or having his mother question him incessantly about why James is not sleeping in the bed like he used to.

Kendall understands that he misunderstood about Jo Taylor, as the public was supposed to according to James, but the little matter of James being essentially incommunicado has yet to be resolved. Kendall’s brain is saying get answers before you go further, but his heart is screaming forgive and never let go. 

When James steps into the room in sweatpants and his black tank, softly singing “Girl, Girl, Girl”, Kendall’s brain goes into overdrive as it plots the solution to a problem he hadn’t realized existed until this very moment. 

After that dilemma is rapidly solved, it occurs to Kendall that he may not have all of the answers he seeks, but James has come back to him. It’s time to let go of the things he cannot change.

Eventually James’ song ends and they stare at each other for nearly a full minute until James asks the important question, “Where are my pillow and blankets?”

“I upgraded you to the deluxe suite package,” Kendall jokes. “Hit the light and get your ass in bed.” He moves over and provides James with ample room in the full size bed by turning on his side. Kendall makes sure he’s facing the wall, because if he’s not, his heart will stage a coup, and Kendall is unsure if he can trust it anymore.

Kendall closes his eyes after the room is plunged into darkness in the next second and the bed shakes a few more after that as James settles in. Silence envelops them so completely that if it weren’t for the lack of gentle snores, Kendall would swear that James had immediately fallen asleep. 

“Where’d you go?”

Kendall sighs. He knew it wouldn’t be that simple. He flings his left hand out in James’ direction and pats what he thinks is James’ bicep, maybe his pec, and draws his hand back. “I’m right here.”

“That’s not what I mean. The night before I left, I woke up and you weren’t here. Where’d you go?”

Kendall opens his eyes and lets himself think back to that night, how he’d lain awake next to James and wanted nothing more than to wake him and beg James to stay. How instead he got up and made himself some warm milk and fell asleep on the couch after watching two and a half hours of idiotic infomercials.

“Couldn’t sleep,” he says to the wall. “Made some milk and fell asleep watching TV.” Kendall rubs his face with a hand as he yawns. “I thought you were tired. I’m tired now. Time for sleep, James.”

Kendall shuts his eyes once more, and blessedly, sleep overtakes him.

\--

The next morning, Kendall comes to after a particularly strange dream that had him, James, Carlos and Logan posing for a picture taken by Marcos Del Posey to be published in Pop Tiger while astride a snow-mobile built for four, holding stuffy puppies and dressed as matadors. The thing that pushed the dream from unusual to downright bizarre, is the backdrop they were posing in front of was space themed. 

The confusion in his head doesn’t clear with the dissipation of the dream because he finds himself wrapped up in James’ arms, acting as the little spoon- which is uncomfortable, for two reasons. The first, they are about the same height; and second, Kendall’s sporting morning wood and James’ hand is way too close to it.

Kendall holds his breath and hears nothing. The lack of sound forces his heart to skip a couple of beats since it means James is also awake. He continues to lie still, hoping that James will unwind himself and Kendall can then pretend that he _didn’t_ wake in James arms.

And like it.

Kendall shifts backwards slightly, coming into contact with James’ erection and instinctively moving forward again out of embarrassment, only for James’ knuckles to graze the side of Kendall’s hard on. 

The moan that pours out of Kendall kicks his mortification up several notches and his face takes on a flattering shade of fuchsia. He freezes up when he feels James’ lips on the back of his neck, alternating kisses with light, little licks to the skin. 

“Shhhh,” the boy behind him whispers into his ear, nipping around it now. “The door’s open. You don’t want us to get caught, do you?”

Kendall slowly shakes his head, loving the feel of James’ teeth dragging over his earlobe. He loses himself in that sensation so it’s no surprise that he jerks a little when he feels James’ hand slide beneath his boxers and wrap itself around his cock. 

All of the touching is overwhelming Kendall’s senses and he tries to back away from James’ hand, only to remember that he’s trapped by James’ body when it doesn’t yield behind him. 

The failed escape attempt merely produces a quiet groan from James. Kendall shoves his face into the pillow to keep from responding similarly.

“I’m gonna come in my pants if you keep that up,” James chides softly before bringing his lips and teeth to Kendall’s jaw line.

Kendall figures if he’s going to have messy boxer shorts, then so should James. Every time James strokes Kendall, Kendall grinds his ass back onto James’ dick and his breaths get shallower. Between the friction in the front and the friction in the back, along with James’ lips and tongue doing things to the spot beneath his ear, Kendall is panting when he comes hard in less than five minutes. 

He feels James sink his teeth into his shoulder as spasms rack James’ body seconds later.

As his breathing begins to regulate, Kendall wonders what this means for him and James. He tilts his head away from the smothering pillow, asking, “Why did you stop contacting me?”

He feels James slowly retract his hand from Kendall’s boxers and he’s finally able to turn and see the boy who’d just given him his first handjob. He watches James wipe his cum-covered hand on his sweats and Kendall rolls onto his back to stare at the ceiling. 

“I didn’t want to. Gustavo got angry over how much time I spent looking through my phone, waiting for your calls, waiting to call _you_ and took my phone away from me after a week. He forced me- all right, he didn’t _force_ me, but you know what I mean- to change my outgoing message and then gave my phone to Freight Train, my body guard, for safe keeping. I managed to convince Freight Train to give me the phone a few times. He knew how much I was missing you and the last time you called, he saw the missed call info and told me to call you. That he would be my lookout in case Gustavo came for me and found me on my phone instead of practicing my dance moves. But by then, it was too late and you weren’t taking my calls or answering my texts.”

“I thought you were with Jo.”

James sighs. “So did a lot of people, which is what Griffin wanted, but I never was. Not in the romantic sense. Griffin even went so far as to insist that we kiss in front of the cameras on the red carpet, but I refused. I wasn’t going to be kissing anyone who wasn’t you. In that moment, I was ready to lose everything I had been dreaming about because I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Kendall feels the guilt inside him rising and threatening to strangle him dead. “James, there’s something you need to know. I ki-”

“Boys! Get your butts out of bed and start getting ready for school! You’re lucky I have the late shift tonight, or you’d be late because you’d be walking!” Mrs. Knight sounds a shade too close to their door.

James rolls out of bed. “I had no idea it was so late. Dammit, I gotta go do my hair!” He runs out of the room, bags in hand and Kendall hears the bathroom door slam.

“Kendall, you too! I don’t hear any movement up there!”

Kendall groans at the drying cum in his shorts and the realization he won’t have time for a shower. “Yuck,” he grumbles to himself as he turns his boxers inside out and tries to clean up the mess the best he can without a shower. He shoves the boxers into the bottom of the hamper, sandwiched between yesterday’s garb, and redresses himself for the school day ahead.

He’s tying his shoelaces when James walks back into the room, looking as radiant as ever. “I didn’t get enough time with my hair. It’s gonna look stupid all day now.”

“It looks fine, James.” Kendall stands with the intention of heading to the bathroom for a really quick clean-up _down there_ and to brush his teeth. As he nears James, a hand reaches out, stopping Kendall.

“I never got a good morning kiss.”

Kendall grimaces because he can feel the grime in his mouth, not to mention his awful breath. “Can you hold that thought for three minutes?”

“Five minutes, boys! We’re leaving in five minutes!”

James stares at Kendall’s lips. “Not waiting anymore. Not for this.” He dives in, seemingly not minding Kendall’s atrocious breath and kisses Kendall until they hear his mom yell out, “For the love of God, we need to leave now! Get down here!”

James grabs Kendall’s hand and leads the dazed boy most of the way downstairs before he drops his hand. 

The icy blast of winter snaps Kendall back to reality when his mom reenters the house. “Jackets, gloves, hats now. And get into the car.”

The boys do as they’re told and find themselves in the backseat with Katie riding shotgun while waiting for Mrs. Knight to reemerge. 

“Nice hickey, Kendall. Get into a fight with our vacuum cleaner again?”

Kendall slaps a hand over the spot where he thinks Katie is looking and sends a glare James’ way.

“Holy chiz! I hadn’t seen _that_ one yet. It’s even bigger than the first! Good job, James.”

James beams as Mrs. Knight climbs into the car.

“All I have to say is, you better have some gum for me,” Kendall mumbles at him, “Because it is _your_ fault that I did not have time to brush my teeth.”

James digs through his backpack and hands over a stick, leaning close to Kendall as he does. “Totally worth it.”

\--

It feels like Kendall blinked and now here they are at the end of the school day. _I kinda wish I could go through every school day on autopilot_ , he thinks. 

“I need a few things from home. Can we stop by before we go back to your house?” James asks as they step through the school’s doors onto the walkway.

Kendall nods, a plan forming in his mind. “What do you need?”

“I forgot a few key ‘Cuda products. They’ll rescue the mess on my head,” he answers while he checks on said mess in the compact mirror he carries in his backpack. 

“Well, we gotta hurry then. You’re starting to frighten small children.” Kendall chuckles as James’ hands fly up to his hair. “Calm down, I’m just fucking with you.”

Kendall watches James’s eyes darken at his words. “We should get going,” he adds when Logan and Carlos join them. 

The walk to James’ house takes longer than normal because Carlos is laughing too hard from James’ story about the time he did an interview for what used to be Rocque Records parent company, RCM/CBT/Globalnet Sanyoid’s ancient Japanese owner, to do much walking.

“So because the guy thought water was lucky, Gustavo had you do the interview against a beach backdrop with a fake seagull flying around your head?” Kendall’s picturing all the ridiculous details as James describes them.

“He sure did. The guy didn’t seem to notice, although he was awake for only a few minutes of the video conference call according to Gustavo.” James digs the house key out of his pocket at the end of his driveway. “So Logan, you’ll be coming over on Sunday to help Kendall and me with algebra, right? We got lucky that Phelan was sick today because we didn’t do the homework last night so it still needs to be done.”

Kendall shifts his glance to Logan, eyes carefully observing the smart brunet as he answers. “I guess I can fit you in. Just promise me that you two will actually do as I tell you and not fuck around like usual?”

It’s a poorly worded question on Logan’s part and Kendall knows that James will have some reply that involves ‘fucking’, so he beats James to the punch. “We promise to behave, Logan.”

“Okay. I’ll see you jerks then. Come on, Carlos. History waits for no man!”

“But it’s Friday, Logan….”

Carlos throws a look over his shoulder at the taller two as Logan drags him away, but Kendall just waves and walks up the driveway to join James at the door. “I’m gonna stay down here. You’re not gonna be long, right?” he asks when James closes the front door.

“Nope. I’ll be right back.” Kendall watches James ascend the stairs and turn the corner before he sneaks off to find what he came for. And just as he anticipates, it’s out in the open. 

Kendall grabs a piece of paper from the nearby printer and scribbles down the bit of needed information with a pen that happens to be laying close by too. He pockets it and is leaving the room just as James comes looking for him. “What’re you doing?”

“Just wandering. I always forget how big your house is, dude. You need one of those ‘You Are Here’ maps. You got everything now?”

James smiles. “Yep, and I even had time to fix my hair.”

Kendall looks up and it appears no differently to him than it did before, but as long as James thinks it looks great, that’s all that matters. 

“I hate being here alone. Too much house; let’s go so we can get home in time for fish sticks and tots. Wait, we still have Fish Stick Friday, right? Please tell me that hasn’t changed, Kendall.”

Kendall laughs as he heads for the door. “Last week there was talk of making the tots into potatoes au gratin. I wonder who won that battle.”

James locks the door of his large, empty house behind them as they exit. Kendall waits for him to pocket the key once more before he pulls James close and kisses him soundly. “Let’s go home.”

James smiles and launches into the song he sang at his audition for Gustavo as they step off the Diamond property.

It’s only the second time Kendall’s heard James sing since he left L.A., but it reminds him of his plan. “Do you miss it?” he asks once James finishes the tune.

James appears to mull over the question. “Yes,” he confesses after nearly a minute of silence. “I wish I had gotten my name out there more. Maybe if I had, my demo would have been the one chosen.”

Kendall ignores the unspoken _and I wouldn’t be here_ because if he doesn’t, it means that he and James will be rehashing things that have been explained and mostly forgiven. Things that he doesn’t really want to think about again. “So if you had the opportunity to go back and record, you’d take it?”

James stops in his tracks, grabbing Kendall’s forearm and forcing him to stop as well. “I’ll make another attempt to live my dream after we finish high school. Maybe you and I can go together. You can go to college and I can be a pop star.” He removes his hand from Kendall and starts moving up the sidewalk. “I’m not going anywhere right now, Kendall, except home. I’m hungry!”

\--

James is ecstatic to see the boxes of fish sticks and tots on the counter. He hugs Mrs. Knight with such ferocity in gratitude, she starts to lose color. 

“James, let go of Mom. She can’t breathe.” Kendall makes sure her cheeks are flushed again before he heads upstairs. 

He pauses at the top to listen, ensuring that James continues to show Kendall’s mother his appreciation for the upcoming dinner in gentler, more appropriate ways- which by the sounds coming from the kitchen means setting the table- before he heads to the only place he can be reasonably sure he won’t be barged in on- the bathroom.

Kendall shuts the door a little more carefully than usual, not wanting to draw attention to his whereabouts prior to accomplishing what he knows he has to do. He removes his phone and the folded up piece of paper from his pants, dialing the written phone number once the phone is open.

Kendall listens to the call ringing through on the other end, counting as they go by unanswered. Just as he’s about to disconnect the call, a voice breathlessly answers, “Hello?”

Kendall steels himself for what he’s about to do. “Um, hello. My name is Kendall Knight and you probably don’t know who I am, but-”

The voice on the other end laughs. “Tall, blond and eyebrows. How could I forget you? Of course, it doesn’t hurt that James showed me pictures of you before Gustavo took his phone away. That boy missed you something bad. How’s he doing?”

Kendall sighs. “He’s sort of settled back into life here, but we both know he’s destined for something greater. I know you don’t work for Gustavo Rocque anymore, Ms. Wainwright, but I’m hoping that you still have a few contacts in the music industry to help me get James where he belongs.” He waits a few beats and continues, almost inaudibly, “He was happiest in L.A..”

“Kendall, call me Kelly. And I would do just about anything for him, but Gustavo burned a majority of our bridges when he lost his company. Let me work a few angles and I’ll get back to you in a couple of days, okay?”

“Okay, Kelly. Thanks.”

Kendall hangs up and repockets his phone, exiting the bathroom. He can hear James singing something that sounds suspiciously like “Girl, You Are My Girl” and Katie giggling with glee at points. 

Kendall returns to the first floor, standing outside the doorway to the kitchen, watching James perform for Katie. His exaggerated gestures are what’s making her laugh, but the look of joy on James’ face is unparalleled. This is what he was born to do, and Kendall helped get him there once, dammit; he’s going to do it again.

\--

Saturday is a relatively quiet day for the Knight household. Mrs. Knight is working a double shift at the diner and Katie’s glued to the Fox channel. James and Kendall play video game after video game, only taking a scheduled shovel break at Mrs. M’s before coming back and sitting down on the couch with Katie to watch _Varsity Vampire_.

As the credits roll, Katie sighs, “Dak Zevon is soooo hot.”

“I met him. He’s a pretty cool dude when he’s not being chased by hordes of screaming girls.” James sighs a little himself. “And you’re right, he is hot.”

Kendall shoves an elbow into James’ side. “Hotness aside, how did you meet?”

“He was in one of Rocque Records’ studios recording vocals for _Varsity Vampire 2: Game On_ on the day I was in doing the shoot for Pop Tiger. Marcos introduced us before he left.”

“Did you get his autograph?”

James shakes his head. “Nope. Once Marcos walked out of the room, Dak’s security team escorted me out too.”

Kendall’s had enough Dak talk and a quick glance at the clock on the wall provides a convenient excuse. “Katie, promise me that you’ll be in bed before Mom comes home in two hours. James and I are headed there now. Knowing Logan, he’ll insist we start on the algebra before noon tomorrow even though he knows we won’t wake up until then.”

“Keep the noises down, big brother. Don’t want to scar me for life, do you?”

Kendall’s face turns fuchsia like it did the previous day. “Katie!”

She huffs. “Fine, I’ll stick my earbuds in, but you two better be done within the next hour. I’m not sharing a wall with two horny boys going at it, got it?”

Kendall looks at James, who is peering at the floor rather intently, a blush shading his face as well. “Just go to bed before Mom gets home. Nothing will be happening in my room, or any room tonight. Goodnight, baby sis.”

“Goodnight, big bro. Goodnight, vacuum cleaner.”

“Katie!” Kendall tries again. He knows it’s a lost cause when all he can hear is her cackling. James rushes by, hurrying up the stairs before anything else can be said to him. “You know, you told _me_ to be nice; you should be doing the same.”

He’s halfway to the second floor when Kendall hears her ask herself, “Jeez, if you can’t tease your brother’s boyfriend, then who can you?”

 _He’s not my boyfriend_ , he mentally tells Katie. _Is he?_

\--

The next morning has the indecency to arrive way too soon. 

As predicted, Logan wants to start tutoring-slash-homework at ten and calls at eight to let them know.

“It’s still the middle of night in my world,” James crabs when Kendall hangs up. “Call him back and tell him that we’ll be ready at a more reasonable hour, like three.”

Kendall simply leans down and pecks James on the lips. “Come on, sleeping beauty. You know what happens when we piss off Logan. Besides, if we get done early, it means we have time to play later.”

James’ hand begins creeping down Kendall’s side. “I’d rather play now,” he murmurs, his hooded eyes glancing up at the blond as his hand reaches Kendall’s waistband. “It looks like you want to, too.”

Kendall grabs James’ disappearing hand by the wrist and extracts it from his boxers. “Later. We need to get ready and have breakfast. You know Logan won’t allow any breaks. We need to be prepared. Time to shower.” When he sees the hopeful look on James’ face, he adds, “Alone.”

Kendall scoots off the bed and makes his way to the bathroom before anything else can distract him. He showers quickly and when he returns to his room, it appears to be empty. He heads for his closet and is almost there when the bedroom door closes behind him. 

Kendall turns, finding James rushing at him and ends up backing against his closet door. James grabs his wrists and pins them above Kendall’s head using only one hand. The other hand yanks Kendall’s towel away from his body, letting it drop to the floor behind him. “It’s later,” he announces while he strokes Kendall’s now half-hard cock. “You know what I was doing when you were in the shower? I lied on your bed and touched myself while thinking about how you were probably doing the same thing in there and moaning my name. Is that what you did, Kendall? Did you jerk off to thoughts of me on my knees, taking your dick down my throat? How you’d weave your fingers through my hair and fuck my face until I beg for more? Pull my head back right before you come and jizz all over my face? Watch me scrape it up and eat it like it’s the best thing I’ve ever tasted?”

Kendall feels his erection jump at James’ words, and just before he falls off the great cliff that leads to his orgasm, everything stops and James steps back. Kendall opens his eyes, which he hadn’t realized were closed thanks to his vivid imagination, and sees James smirking at him. “Time to shower,” James repeats Kendall’s earlier words. “Alone.”

Kendall’s mouth drops open as he watches James walk to the door, opening it. They both listen to the sounds of the house and figure out that both Knight women are downstairs. “Have fun taking care of that. If you weren’t thinking of me before, you will be now.” He steps into the hallway and leans back into the bedroom. “Oh, and Kendall? I dare you to leave the door open,” he says lowly, “The possibility of getting caught makes it so much hotter.” James winks at Kendall and then he’s gone.

Never one to turn down a dare from James, Kendall arranges the bed sheets so he can cover up at a moment’s notice, his blood buzzing with excitement and a hint of danger as he lies down on his bed. He listens carefully to the noises beneath him and when he decides it’s safe enough, he closes his eyes and pictures all the things James described to him as he slides his hand up and down his cock. The James in his head is peering up at Kendall with huge hazel eyes as he swallows Kendall down. The look on _that_ James’ face has Kendall dancing on the precipice. 

Something crashes downstairs and Kendall’s hand freezes as his eyes fly open, head already tilted towards the door, his free hand ready to pull the sheets over his nude body. He catches sight of James standing outside his bedroom, watching his every move through the mirror hanging on the hallway wall just past the doorway. 

“Keep going,” he mouths to Kendall after a few seconds pass.

The look on _this_ James’ face is nearly identical to the one he saw a short time ago in his mind, and it shoves him over the edge, landing squarely in orgasm territory after a few strokes. 

Kendall watches James watching him until he’s too sore to continue touching himself. At that point, he gets up, grabs the towel from the floor and is wiping himself down when he hears the shower start up.

Not wanting to risk being caught now, Kendall ties the towel around his waist, dirty side out, and kicks the door shut before he dresses. 

Twenty minutes later, James enters the room fully clothed, saying, “I feel better now, don’t you?”

\--

“You still don’t get the FOIL method, do you?”

Kendall rolls his eyes, “Of course I do. You line the pan with foil so clean-up is almost non-existent. Why scrub them when all you need to do is use foil and throw it away?”

Logan sighs very loudly. “No. FOIL is an acronym. It stands for: first outside-”

“Then inside lips?” asks James.

Kendall peers over Logan’s head at James, who is making some crude gestures involving his hand and a tongue pressed against the inside of his cheek. His body starts to stir and Kendall looks away, wiggling in his seat trying to get it to calm down. 

There’s no doubt in Kendall’s mind that if Logan wasn’t between them, James would be fondling him right now.

“Carlos, where are you?” Logan inquires loudly. 

“Looking for food!” is the reply. “There’s nothing here and I’m hungry! Let’s go to the market! Please, Logie?”

“After we finish the homework. If you all pay attention, we can be done in ten minutes.”

Carlos comes bounding back into the living room and plops himself onto the floor in front of the coffee table, shooting looks at James and Kendall. “Come on, guys,” he half-whines. “You know I’m not myself when I’m hungry.”

It’s more like fifteen minutes before the boys exit the Knight residence, but Kendall’s grateful that Logan is bending his “no breaks rule”, so he keeps his mouth shut. 

They race down to Sherwood’s Market, ignoring the patches of ice, which litter all available surfaces.

When they arrive, Logan says, “I don’t wanna be here all day, so you two go grab what you want and I’ll keep Carlos from eating everything in sight. Meet you back here in five.” He follows Carlos inside, muttering about who knows what.

Kendall glances at James. “You want anything?”

James shrugs. “I could always use some more ‘Cuda.”

They enter the small market and head down the lone health and beauty aisle. On the way to the ‘Cuda, they pass by the personal lubricants and James stops.

Kendall sees where James’ gaze has landed and tugs on James’ hand to get him moving again, but James doesn’t budge. “We can’t buy that here. Do you want our moms knowing our business?” he asks softly. “We’ll con Logan into driving us to East Duluth when we’re ready to make that step, okay?”

James nods wordlessly and allows himself to be brought to the shelf of ‘Cuda. He stares blankly at the items until Kendall turns him around so James is facing him. “You alright?”

When nothing is forthcoming, Kendall swings his glance left and right checking for an audience. He finds none and steps forward grasping James’ face between his hands and kissing him. Kendall loops his arms around James’ neck, drawing him closer and deepening the kiss as James responds to it.

“Oh my god, Kendall. You’ve kissed Logan and now you’ve kissed James. Am I next?"

The speed in which James breaks their kiss and scrambles away from Kendall has only been seen on the ice, up ‘til now. Kendall squeezes his eyes tight, hoping against hope that he’s hallucinating and Carlos didn’t just spill his biggest secret.

“You kissed Logan?”

Kendall opens his eyes and can see that his second biggest nightmare is coming true. “James, I-”

“You kissed him? You know how he feels about you. How I feel about you! How could you do that to me?”

Kendall’s choking on the guilt once more and it’s cutting off most of his brain power. “You weren’t here and I thought-” Kendall stops that line of reasoning. “I stopped it after a week.”

“When?” James demands. “When did this happen?”

Kendall stares at the floor, unwilling to see the reaction his answer will produce. “Right after you sent Logan the song,” he whispers. 

“I came home a week later,” James points out unnecessarily for Kendall. “I came home dying to see you, to make things right between us, and you were playing kissing games with Logan? I’m outta here.”

Because Kendall’s view remains on the floor beneath his feet, he doesn’t fully realize that James has walked away until he hears Logan shout, “Where are you going?”

Kendall runs down the aisle and makes it to the market’s front door where he sees James speaking to a tall man, wearing unnecessary sunglasses and a suit, but no coat to combat the frigid temperatures. He stops in his tracks, unsure of what’s happening, but not wanting to make things worse between James and himself keeps Kendall just inside the market. Before Kendall can grasp the situation, James is climbing into a nearby white limo and the weather-inappropriate dressed man caws at passersby before he does the same. The limo drives away.

Kendall’s intent on chasing after it, wanting James to hear that his dalliance with Logan was a mistake and meant nothing, but the ringing in his pocket stops him. He wishes it to be James, except Kendall doesn’t recognize the number. “Hello?”

“Kendall, it’s Kelly. I pulled some strings and called in quite a few favors, but I managed to get another producer interested in working with James. His name is Cyrus Hawk and while he’s a little unconventional, his assistant Rebecca, who’s also my roommate, assures me that he’s been mellower now that Gustavo’s out of the music business. He’s supposed to be in your area today, so keep your eyes peeled. He’s James’ big ticket back.”

Kendall feels his stomach drop all the way to his toes. “Kelly, does this Hawk guy make a cawing sound, like a real hawk and wear sunglasses when they’re not needed?”

“Yeah, how’d you know? Rebecca hates the caw. She was so happy when she talked him out of cawing twice at people that she skipped her martial arts classes for two days because she had very little frustration to release. The sunglasses became a non-issue at that point for her."

Hello, nightmare number one. 

\--

The front door to the Knight home is still locked when the remaining three return, James nowhere in sight. Logan and Carlos pack up their things and silently leave when it becomes apparent that no one wants to address the reason James ran off.

Kendall sits down on the couch and waits for James to return. He has to at some point, his things are still strewn across Kendall’s room.

After half an hour, his mom and sister arrive home. He hadn’t realized that they weren’t there.

“What’s going on with you? Where’s James?” Katie asks after about five seconds.

“Right here,” says the voice behind her. 

Kendall can’t even smile at the way Katie jumps in surprise; he’s too busy staring at James who lingers in the house’s entrance looking back at him.

“Can I see you outside?” James requests.

Kendall nods and follows James out of the house. They walk to the edge of the street before stopping near the mailbox. “I’m sorry,” Kendall blurts out. “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you, but I also didn’t want you to find out the way you did.”

“I’m going back to L.A., Kendall. I’ve been promised a three-record deal and there’s no way I’m turning that down. You and Logan can do whatever you want because I won’t be around anymore to stop you.” James glances back at the house. “I have to wait until my mom returns for her to sign my new contract, but once she does, I’m as good as gone. In the mean time, she’s already agreed that I can stay with Carlos since staying here is no longer an option.” And with those words, he exits the Knight property.

Kendall watches James walk down the street. “When are you gonna get your stuff?” he calls out.

“When I don’t immediately feel like punching your stupid face,” James replies without turning around. “Goodbye, Kendall.”

\--

Kendall continues to turn over James’ words in his mind throughout the rest of the night. He ends up sleeping on the couch because the sight of his room causes so much pain and anxiety, he can’t be near it, let alone _in_ it.

He dreams of James’ audition.

When Kendall awakens, he figures he can try apologizing once more to James in school, but the pretty boy never shows. 

“His mom told him he didn’t have to come back since he’s leaving again,” is all Carlos will say in the matter at lunch. Carlos must recognize the look in Kendall’s eye because he then adds, “And he doesn’t want to see you, so don’t show up at my house.”

Kendall spends the rest of the day in the nurse’s office, legitimately sick to his stomach. 

The next day goes much like the last, as do the three that follow. Kendall wakes on the couch after dreaming about losing James the first time, wears whatever clothes he finds in the laundry room, and goes to school- where James is _not_ \- looking haggard, trying and failing to pay attention in class, skipping lunch so he doesn’t have to see the disappointment in the faces of who used to be his two best friends, and going home, suddenly thankful that his hockey team was not good enough to make it to the playoffs. 

He’d be hard pressed to rouse some enthusiasm right now.

Kendall stops by Mrs. Majakowski’s on his way home from school Thursday afternoon to check in on her. An upper level high has brought bitterly cold winds to Minnesota, but keeps the snow away. 

When Mrs. M. answers the door, she doesn’t appear surprised to see him. “Kendall, dear, come on in. I was just having a lovely chat with James.”

Kendall starts to back away, making sudden excuses. “I just remembered I have to go to the market for my mom. I’ll come back later, Mrs. M.; when you’re not busy.” He goes to turn and flee, but is stopped by a commanding voice.

“Kendall Knight, you get back here and talk to that boy.” She shuffles off to the side, holding the door open until he gives up his escape plan and enters her house. She eyes him until he sits on the couch with James, both of them claiming an arm of it. “I will be in the kitchen; holler if you need anything.”

“An escape route would be great,” James mutters. 

Kendall turns his head and glares at James. “You have one already. Why are you here?”

James stares straight ahead as he replies, “I came to thank Mrs. Majakowski for her part in making my dream come true. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t have the second chance I have now.”

Kendall doesn’t know how James reached such a conclusion. “How do you figure?”

“Not that it’s any of _your_ business anymore, Kendall, but the assistant of the new producer I’m gonna be working with is the roommate of my old producer’s assistant. Former assistant, I guess. Anyway, I got talked up and this Hawk guy wants to work with me. If Mrs. M. hadn’t let us take her car to that audition, I never would have gone, which means I never would have this opportunity now.”

Kendall can see how that works, in a very twisted way. He also doesn’t bother to enlighten James on how Hawk was tipped off about James by his assistant, Rebecca, as a huge favor to Kelly, because Kendall asked her to. He changes the subject, slightly. “Your mom comes home Saturday. I take it you’re going to leave Sunday?”

James shakes his head. “As long as my dad agrees, I’m outta here Saturday night. Rebecca’s booked me a flight for seven.” He looks back at Kendall as he says, “The sooner I leave, the better it will be for everybody.”

Kendall wants to pull James close and tell him that James leaving pretty much destroyed him last time and this time will kill him for sure, but he knows that James won’t hear it. “Do you want me to pack up your things and bring them to school for Carlos tomorrow?”

“No need,” James declines. “I stopped over there this morning. Your mom told me that she’ll miss me and that she wants us to make up before I go. I told her I didn’t think it was possible.”

Kendall’s heart shatters. “I’m just gonna go now. I ask that you don’t hate Logan. Hate me all you want, but none of this was Logan’s fault.” Kendall pushes himself up off the sofa and is out the front door seconds later without a goodbye to anyone.

He runs the rest of the way to his house and hides in his de-Jamesified room. When his mom calls up to him, announcing dinner three hours later, he yells back that he’s not hungry and continues to mentally berate himself for causing this mess. His mom lets him be, allowing him to stew in his misery.

An hour later, Kendall’s phone rings and he ignores it. When it rings a second time within the next minute, he reluctantly answers. “Hello, Logan.”

“So I was at Carlos’ today helping him with biology-”

“Is that what you’re calling it?” Kendall interjects. “Can’t you just say handjobs like everyone else?”

The silence on the other end tells Kendall that he crossed the line in the fragile remains of their friendship. “Sorry, bad joke.”

“Anyway,” Logan persists after a minute, “James asked to speak with me privately. He wanted to know what happened between me and you. I told him that I always knew I was merely a substitute for him and that in a warped way, we used each other.”

Kendall doesn’t know what to say. He settles on, “I’m sorry about all of it, Logan. You deserve someone way better than me. Just like he does. Thanks for the info.”

Kendall’s finger is hovering over the “end” button when he hears Logan say, “You’re wrong, you know.”

“About what?” he can’t help but ask after he returns the phone to his ear.

“It was blowjobs.” Logan’s cackle carries over the line as the call disconnects.

“Asshole,” Kendall grumbles, but he’s smiling. 

At the very least, he knows that he can stop tip-toeing around Logan, and their friendship will be just fine.

\--

“You look like shit.”

Kendall doesn’t lift his head from the lunch table, but does raise a hand to flip off Carlos, who from the sound of his voice, is on Kendall’s left.

“Dude, put your hand down before a teacher sees you!” Logan hisses from Kendall’s right.

 _Great, I’ve been surrounded_ , he thinks. _This is why I’ve been avoiding lunch_.

“He looks like shit too.”

This statement inspires Kendall to elevate his head so he can see Carlos’ face. “What?”

Carlos grins. “He’s lost his lucky comb. He can’t leave us if he doesn’t have his lucky comb.” Carlos pulls the item in question out of his back pocket. “He can have it back when he agrees to stay.”

“You should go see him,” Logan states before Carlos can say anything else. “At least say good-bye, if nothing else.” 

Kendall stands and starts walking away, only to hear Logan call after him, “I didn’t mean now!”

He stalks back to the pair that had him essentially cornered before and roots around in Carlos’ back pocket. 

“Hey, what are you doing? Only Logan’s allowed to touch me there.”

Kendall’s fingers had been curling around his prize, but every part of Kendall stills at Carlos’ words. He raises his eyes to Carlos’ face and tells him, “I’m going to make believe I didn’t hear that.” Kendall extracts the comb, leaving Logan red-faced and Carlos confused as he exits the cafeteria, peace offer firmly in hand.

He manages to make it off school property unseen and heads straight for the Garcia residence. About a third of the way there, it dawns on Kendall he didn’t ask Carlos if his father was on duty right now. If he’s not, Kendall’s going to be back in school sooner that he anticipates.

Kendall arrives at his destination seven minutes later. He hesitantly knocks on the door, praying that for once, something goes the way he wants, _needs_ , it to. 

The door opens moments later, and there stands James, looking _much_ worse for the wear. He’s sporting some unattractive black circles beneath his eyes and a lime green beanie. “I’ve said all I have to say to you,” he spits out and attempts to shut the door on Kendall.

Kendall shrugs. “You might have, but you haven’t heard what I have to say. You close that door and you’ll never see your lucky comb again.”

The door swings back with such force, Kendall’s surprised the hinges aren’t groaning in protest. Of course, this is Carlos’ home…. 

“You know where it is?! Tell me! I’ve torn this house apart _twice_ and it’s still not here.”

“I’ll tell you after. Now let me in; it’s fucking freezing out here.”

James reluctantly steps aside and lets Kendall enter. He crosses his arms as Kendall looks around. “What are you looking for?”

Kendall spares James a glance. “Parents. Are they home?”

“No. And I was enjoying my alone time, if you catch my drift. Say what you want and tell me where my comb is!” James’ voice edges into hysteria towards the end of the sentence.

Kendall drops into the nearest chair, which happens to be in the Garcia’s dining room and stares at the table. “I was mad when I left you that voicemail. It seemed like you were out there having the time of your life, which you sorta were, but that you had forgotten about everyone who cared about you. I started seeing pictures of you and Jo looking all couple-y and that was a rude surprise. But the straw that broke the camel’s back was hearing my words thrown back at me in a break-up song. I thought you were singing that to _me, about me_. And while I may have kissed Logan out of convenience and a lot of spite, it was fucked up, _I was fucked up_ , except I didn’t realize how much until I saw you again. I was lost without you. Nothing goes right in my world when you aren’t in it.”

Seconds tick by, Kendall can hear them courtesy of the grandfather clock in the hallway just off the dining room. He gathers up his courage, peering up at James, who has been standing in the room’s doorway this entire time, arms still tightly folded across his chest. “Please don’t go,” he whispers, torn between wanting James to hear him and just wanting to have said the words this time.

“I believe you said something about Lucky? Where is she?”

Kendall nods, having gone completely numb. His heart’s already shattered, now the shards have been stomped on too, and it’ll take a gentle touch to repair something that was already delicate to begin with. 

Not to mention loads of time and patience; things he won’t be getting with James.

Kendall slides the comb out of his flannel chest pocket, where he put it on his way out of the school, and places it on the table as he rises. “It’s not important where I found her, but she’s back where she belongs.” He passes James, and surprises himself by feeling utter devastation when James makes no effort to stop Kendall.

Kendall halts at the front door after he pulls it open. “I guess this really is goodbye this time. Goodbye, James; I hope you achieve your dreams this time.” Kendall slips out the door and yanks it closed behind him. 

He walks home with his eyes determinedly locked onto the ground in front of him. If Kendall’s green eyes swim with water, that’s between him and the sidewalk.

Once home, Kendall goes up to his room and doesn’t come out for anything.

\--

The next day, Kendall continues to refuse food and calls to play video poker with his shark of a sister. 

He figures that he just needs a day or two of mourning for a relationship that almost never was and the death of a slightly-longer-than-a-decade friendship, and then he can start rebuilding his life without James. 

The alarm set on his phone buzzes at 7pm like he’s programmed it to. Kendall glances over to the window where he pulled the blinds up in anticipation for this moment, and stares. He imagines that if he tries hard enough, he can see James’ plane in the sky and know that everything will be okay for everyone, eventually.

It feels like he was right about James’ departure killing him this time, so maybe things won’t be alright for Kendall.

“Kendall, there’s someone here to see you,” his mother calls from what sounds like the foot of the stairs. 

“I don’t want to see anyone!” he yells back, angrily. Who could possibly be intruding on this horrific moment in his life? 

“Not even me?”

Kendall jerks upright, eyes wide. He slowly turns his head towards the doorway and there stands James. “Shouldn’t you be on a plane headed for L.A. right about now?” he inquires when he finds the words that made a valiant effort to elude him.

“Yes, but I’m not going anywhere.” James steps into the room, closing the door behind him, hoping they’ll get a little privacy.

“But what about your second chance at fortune and fame? At your dream of becoming a pop star?” Kendall’s almost certain he’s hallucinating. 

“Funny thing about dreams,” James says. “Over time, they can change; what used to be important, isn’t anymore.” He walks over to Kendall’s bedside, reaching out to grab his hand, interlacing their fingers. “I spoke with Kelly earlier. She told me how you helped get Hawk interested in me. You didn’t give up on me, did you? Not where it really counted.”

Kendall looks down at their joined hands. “You miss it- the lights, the atmosphere, the people. I just want you to be happy, out there living your dream again.”

“I don’t want that anymore. Not if you’re not there with me. All of you, really. We could be a pop group and have tons of adventures. But I’d only be kissing you and you better be kissing only _me_. Of course, I walked in on Carlos going down on Logan the other day and judging by the way Logan was moaning, I don’t think I need to worry about him so much.”

“That fucker!”

Kendall lifts his eyes when James squeezes his hand, and watches James raise an eyebrow. “Jealous?”

“Only that he got to third base before I did. I thought he was joking,” Kendall responds. “How serious are you about this pop group thing?”

James nudges Kendall further over and climbs up onto the bed next to him, directing Kendall to lay on his side so James can spoon him. “Very,” he answers once they’ve settled. “I already have Mom’s lawyers talking to Hawk’s people about a new contract. The worst thing that happens is he says no and we go out to California after high school. I’m not going without you, Kendall. If I have to pick between a second chance at pop stardom and a second chance with you, you win.”

“I do?” Kendall asks as he feels James nuzzle along the column of his neck. 

“Uh-huh. Every time,” James breathes into his ear. “Your mom and sister left after I came upstairs. I think they didn’t want to listen to us fight. Whaddaya say we aim for a triple, with the option of sliding home if the opportunity comes?”

Kendall turns his head to catch James’ lips in a kiss. “I say batter up.”

**Author's Note:**

> There's no way in hell this would have even been written without much help from the lovely [skyline](http://archiveofourown.org/users/skyline/pseuds/skyline) who basically held my hand for the first couple weeks as she was getting her shit together for a cross-country move and put up with me repeatedly saying, "I don't know how to do this!" I maintain that she sort of brought it on herself because she begged me to tell her my plot idea and when she responded with "Awwwww omfg I'm tearing already" after I had done so, I knew I had a winner. Thank you, C. This fic's for you. :D  
> 

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [If You Want More (Jump)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3424772) by [jaded_jane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaded_jane/pseuds/jaded_jane)




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